The Great Ascent

It was a cold, crisp night, the harvest moon creeping over the tree-line, and I was arriving home after a twelve hour shift, the house dark and empty, since the wife was putting in a late night shift herself. I loaded up the plastic bags of items I had picked up on the way home and headed for the steps of the porch when suddenly I was confronted with..........the first step. I froze. The step was intimidating, to say the least, as one would be required to lift their foot a good 8 inches into the air in order to mount it. To make matters worse, there was another step above that one that rose the same distance, only this one was further back, which would require that a forward as well as lifting motion would be required with the other foot in order to get to it, a daunting proposition to say the least. These two feet of mine had not risen much further than perhaps 3 inches at the most all day long in order to propel me along the floor, and now they were being tasked with a whole new motion I wasn't sure they were prepared to make. I stood there with two gallons of wine in one hand and a frozen pizza in the other, my keys grasped somewhere in the mix, wondering what I was going to do. There was no getting into the house without first surmounting this intimidating obstacle, and it was dark, since the outside light had not been turned on when the wife left the house. Damn her! How could she not foresee the quandary she would put me in by her incompetence?!

It was not long after I had gathered the courage and fortitude to attempt the ascent up this Everest when, looking up, I was horrified to discover that there were not simply 2, but a total of 5 of these terrible wooden platforms that I was going to have to circumvent if I ever hoped to get within the comfort and safety of my abode! Can you imagine the state of mind I must have been in at that terrible moment? I could say that my entire life flashed before my eyes, but I would be exaggerating, for my mind was racing so fast I couldn't even remember how I had managed to climb into the car, a feat that surely should have prepared me mentally for this challenge. Oh, the humanity! What WAS I going to do?

Then, the answer to my quandary came in a flash in the guise of a small, furry animal that zipped right past me and ascended the dreaded staircase in such an easy, fluid motion the very grace of it simply astounded me! Within the span of 2 seconds, this creature had made it to the top of the steps and onto the porch with a motion that could only be described as effortless, which so impressed me that I almost dropped the heavy wine bottles from my weakening grasp. Suddenly, I was in the grasp of an epiphany, as if the truth of the universe had been revealed to me like a spotlight in the darkness.

With the enlightenment that comes to few people caught in such terrible circumstances, I centered myself and lifted a foot, propelling it forward as I did, daring to believe that I, empowered with the faith one must have to challenge and conquer such a beast, could do this as easily as this feline wonder had. Imagine the pride that swelled within my breast as I shifted my body forward and was rewarded with the solid and comforting feel of my foot cleanly placing itself upon that first step! The sensation was, for lack of a better discription....exhilerating! With a newfound gusto, I brought up the other foot and followed thru with the same motion that had enabled me to attain that first step, and, WAH-LAH! There I was, safely ensconced upon the first step and ready to propel myself upward to the second. I now knew I could do this; nothing on Bob's green Earth had a snowball's chance in hell of stopping me now!

I would like to report to you now with great pleasure that I managed to climb this huge obstacle with no less effort and grace then the cat had proven to me could be done, but sadly, my friends, at that very moment I snapped out of the silly state of mind that Lights-in-the-Wake had put me into before I had left for this trip. So, there I was, standing on the porch, looking down those steps, smiling at how I, THE Michael, had managed to take such a mundane occurrence that did not deserve such a complicated rendering, and RENDERED that sucker for all it was worth! I would like to thank Lights for providing me with the inspiration to make this story possible. Without his able assistance, you surely would have been subjected to another rant, inane observation, or dose of Madness for which I have become infamous.

Tune in tomorrow when THE Michael attempts to collect various foodstuffs in a four wheeled conveyance which will surely terrify ALL of you when one of those wheels begins to WOBBLE! Don't say I didn't warn you.........