The WORD According to BOB, as told by his prophet, THE Michael

Well, it's about time. I had my vision. I used to be secretly jealous of all these self-proclaimed prophets of yesteryear and today, walking the streets with a sign or hawking their truths on television. How come God always talked to these lunatics and never to me? Does one have to go bonkers or wear outlandish makeup in order to hear God? Well, those days of insecurity are over, my friends, praise BOB!

I was making my occasional run into Walmart to pick up cigarettes and my wife's prescription, when I almost ran smack into what I thought was one of their greeters, you know, the old or disabled guys or ladies with the blue vest? Well, he appeared out of nowhere, or so it seemed, and I came to a screeching halt in order to avoid bowling him over. I started to mumble an "excuse me" and dart around him, but he stuck out his hand, smiling, and said, "Howdy, partner, glad to meet you. I'm Bob.........Bob the almighty."

Now, just out of polite habit I took his hand, which he happily started pumping, but I was staring at him, not replying, due to two good reasons. First, I wasn't sure, but I'd swore he just said something about someone being almighty, and second, that blue vest I had assumed he was wearing was actually gold......solid gold.....the real deal gold......maximum bling bling gold. So, as my mind starts to adjust to the absurdity of this situation, I mumble something about being in a hurry and complete my jig around him and dart thru the double doors into the store...........and again, almost run Bob over as he appears in front of me again. Another screeching halt, and I glance over my shoulder to see that no, his twin brother is NOT outside where I first started having this problem.

I turn back to Bob, getting somewhat annoyed, wondering how this sucker moved so fast, and before I could open my mouth, he gently puts his arm around my shoulder and starts walking me over to the bench in front of the in-store McDonalds', you know, the one with the big plastic Ronald sitting on it. My natural fight or flight instincts still aren't kicking in and he sits us both down on the bench. This is all to friggin surreal.

"Relax, Michael, I'm suspending your nicotine addiction for now, and your wife's prescription will be there when we're thru. I've been on vacation for awhile, touring the ether, having a grand old time, and I come back and see I've apparently left a real mess to simmer down here. So, to try and get some sanity going, I'm gonna need a prophet, and guess who got elected?"

Strangely, I had arrived here really craving a cigarette, but for the first time in decades that urgency didn't seem to be nagging me at the moment. But this situation was. So, I take a deep breath to steady my nerves, give this Bob character my best "how's this for a nice, polite eat shit and die" smile, and ask him....."OK, who are you really, and how do you know my name, amongst other things? And, just so you know, I'm about as "saved" as I'm gonna get, so put your bible away, I'm not at all interested!" I glance down real quick to see if for some reason I'm wearing my ID badge from work, and of course I'm not, because I'm off today.

"No bibles, Michael, "he says in that ya gotta love him friendly tone of his, "I had nothing to do with that work of fiction. And of course I know your name, I know everybody's' name, which is only natural, considering I'm part of everybody and vice versa. You see, Michael, I really have no name at all, not even "God", I'm just using Bob because it's a pretty easy going, non-threatening kinda name. You can call me Ray, or you can call me A.J., "he chuckled, at his lame joke", but it's all good. So, I just wanted to reassure you that no, you don't have to have that nagging worry deep down in your psyche that you're going to burn in hell for questioning all this religious stuff, and yes, despite all your flaws, you ARE a good person, and you are where you are supposed to be right now for very good reasons, even tho you may never figure out why, at least in this lifetime."

I'm sitting here listening, instead of looking around for the guys in the white coats, because he's right......he DOESN'T seem threatening to me, and nothing he's saying, so far at least, is the least bit scary. "So Bob", I ask him, "You've picked ME of all people to reveal the secrets of the universe to, so I can run out there and proclaim and end up on permanent vacation in the loony bin, is that what you're telling me? I gotta tell ya, guy, people rarely take me seriously for the SANE shit I think up, much less what some guy told me in Walmart wearing a gold vest claiming to be God. Can I take a rain-check? I'd just as soon get back to reality if you don't mind!"

"No, no, Michael, no evangelizing, no proclaiming, none of that crazy stuff. Your right, one of the burdens you bear this life is being short and not quite handsome enough for many people to take seriously, but you DO have harmless little conversations with friends and coworkers, and better yet, you have this wonderful thing you've gotten involved with called a blog.......hell, I wish I'D thought that one up! All I wish for you to do is take the knowledge I'm sharing with you today, mull it over and let it out in your own words, you're own understanding, and let the peace of this knowledge sort of infect peoples minds. I just want all of you here to know that it's ALL good, that yes, we will all suffer in one form or another, we will all know some sort of joy, and every single minute of it is for a reason. Slaves as you are to the forms you inhabit right now, there is so much I could tell you, but it would only go in one ear and out the other, for it is beyond understanding even by the most brilliant amongst you, but as you inch closer to the collective consciousness that we all share, you gain the knowledge and understanding you need to be one with me, Bob, who is really within you as well as beyond. All things in this universe started somewhere, somehow, sometime, and it's all headed in a direction according to the rules laid down from the very beginning, rules you understand, like math, gravity, and physics, and rules you can't comprehend, as in other dimensions or planes of existence. But, it's all GOOD Michael. Without fear, there is no peace, without hate, there is no love, without the ying, ya got no yang...........it all amounts to something that, believe me my friend, is well worth this long, strange trip we've been on. That's it. Nothing fancy. No hallelujahs, no Amens, just good!"

I stare at what I'm thinking might not be a figment of my active imagination, and I can't help feeling good, even tho I haven't heard any really good cult-like material. What he's told me doesn't seem to be answering allot of questions, but it does seem to lend a sort of peace to my ingrain paranoia about God, the universe, and all that shit. I stand up, offer HIM my hand, which he takes and shakes, and he gives me that grin, and next thing you know.........well, that's just it. I don't know if I then woke up, or it really happened at Walmart like I think it did, I just know something happened, something I remember as clearly as feeding my goats today, and here I am, hammering it out on this blog. I don't think the dream police are monitoring my posts, or homeland security, or the vast right wing christian conspiracy, so I guess I'm safe. I know this will come across as great comedy, but I really don't mind. I'm doing what Bob suggested, and I'm actually enjoying it. And if you stumbled across this blog and actually read this entire thing, then perhaps, like he said it would, you've been infected, and my job has been done. Oh, and by the way, if you could link this blog to yours so others can read it, I think I might talk Bob into giving you a few credits towards your karma, if I happen to see him again. He seems to be a nice enough guy......I mean, aren't we all, deep down inside?