An Interview with THE Michael

Today we interview "THE Michael", the author, writer, director, producer, and art director of "Dances with Leaves", the someday-to-be-award-winning blog featured on such very-soon-to-be-award-winning blogs such as "Dizgraceland", "I Have Two Belly-Buttons", and "Primates Playing Percussion".......or something like that.

This interview was conducted over several hectic days as the mercury rose, things started to go wrong, and nature attacked. Still, he was gracious enough to take time out of his busy schedule trying to survive to sit down with us and answer some questions no man should be asked.

Me: So, it's been quite a week for you. How's the wife's finger doing?

Him: Oh, a bit better now that the surgeon sliced into it to relieve the internal pressure from the swelling that occurred. She's got another huge bandage on her hand hiding the carnage, but now the heavy duty painkillers are moderating the agony somewhat. If there's one thing my wife is experienced in, it's agony.

Me: And this all started with what?

Him: Well, it was a freak accident, actually. I was closing a metal gate not knowing she had her hand on the post, and it nailed her pinky finger at the second joint. It didn't seem all that major of an injury at the time, but over time her arthritis took it and ran with it, and over time the finger became really painful to the touch. We finally took her to the finger doc and he said that the joint had degenerated due to the arthritis and would have to be fused to relieve the pain. It's been downhill ever since.

Me: How bad is it? She's not going to lose the finger, is she?

Him: Well, I hope not. We both kinda like the little darling........

Me: So what else has been happening? You seem pretty frazzled........

Him: Well, right after I got her home from the first surgery, I had to attend to some chores in the great outdoors and the great outdoors took a swipe at me. Seems a rather large Diamondback Rattlesnake wanted to share my space and I had to disagree with him with extreme prejudice. I even thought there for awhile that our favorite pet goat had been bitten and that would have really ruined our day.

Me: But he's OK?

Him: Yea, I think he got caught upside his little head by an ejected shell casing while I was blasting away at the snake and was momentarily stunned. He's not a "fainting" goat like the twins, so he was acting really out of character to be laying there on the ground like that playing dead. At any rate, things were going crazy all at once so it's hard to remember exactly what happened to who or what in what order.......I'm just glad we're all here trying hard to laugh about it.

Me: Any other mayhem going on about this time?

Him: Well, day to day has been a challenge financially, and all this has put another strain on the budget..........which is funny.......there IS no budget......I just steal from peter to take care of paul.....you just learn the fine art of creative juggling.

Me: Ever feel like just running away; just saying the hell with it; starting over somewhere where no one knows you?

Him: Hell, who doesn't? But, I figure if Ken Lay can stick it out in his mansion while his world is crashing down all around him, it should be a piece of cake for little old me.

Me: Kenneth Lay is dead.........

Him: Hmmmmmmmmm

Me: So, you had to take off work again? How do you do it?

Him: Easy, my man. It's the miracle of PTO (Paid Time Off). I earn something like 8 hours of it a payday, and only having to work three days a week, I don't have to use up alot of it, so it adds up quickly. Plus, a Doctors note stipulating that I have to take care of my wife helps. As bad and lowbrow as my job can seem at times, it DOES have it's perks.

Me: OK, you claim that your wife is a witch. Well, then, why is all this happening to you guys? I would think a witch would have spells to take care of all this.

Him: Yea, you'd think. But, I think it's only fair to mention that at best she can be considered an "apprentice" witch. She HAS done a few things that seemed to have produced results, but hell, even the Pope couldn't cure his own ills before he died, I don't think you can expect a newby wiccan to perform miracles either. Being wiccan doesn't separate you from the trials and tribulations of life in general, but it can certainly help you not take it all personally. We don't go around blaming some God for our problems, nor do we give credit for good luck to invisible men who had nothing to do with it. We make our own beds, we sleep in them.

Me: Well, getting on to "Dances with Leaves", how do you rate it's overall success?

Him: Oh, I'd say I'd place it somewhere between "utter disaster" and "underground phenomenon". I just haven't heard much from the underground, but they are by their very nature a quiet bunch. Who knows, if I were to shut down this blog today, a cry might arise across the globe of such wailing and gnashing of teeth that the Earth might tilt right off it's axis. But then again, they might not even notice I'm gone......ya never know.

Me: So why do you do it? I looked at your hit counter, and quite frankly, for the time you've been online, it's not a very impressive number.

Him: Hey, every hear of the silent majority? Maybe these visitors have kept their discovery to themselves, having found a true gem they aren't willing to share at the risk of it becoming mainstream, then it wouldn't be cool anymore and they'd have to move on to the next "thing". I might just very well be the grunge rock of blogs right now, with a small but very quiet and dedicated following. If that's truly the case, then I've been a roaring success, and if not, then so what? I have bookmarked a whole bevy of truly remarkable blogs who aren't getting a penny more for their efforts than I am. If I ever hit the big time then I might consider myself a real failure for having gotten the attention of those who smell money, and that's not what my writings' about. This blog is about real life, not high falutin" language crafted for the benefit of elitists who demand articulate, overblown artsy exercises in language. This is me, my wife, my goats, and an acre of sand in a very hot and humid place in America, not something dreamed up by Neil Simon. Read most of the best classics and you will not see language and background recognizable to real people. I think my readers see plenty of their own lives in what goes on in mine, and aren't alienated by the honesty of it.

Me: So where do you see yourself in 20 years?

Him: Dead. As in doornail. Very much so.

Me: Dead? But, let's see, you'll only be like 70............

Him: Mom only made it to 68, I think, due to smoking all her life. I've smoked all MY life......it's genetic, it's inevitable, but hey, I've had a good run; I'm thankful for the years I've had, the love of a good woman, and thanks to giving up Catholicism, I don't fear what's next. Matter of fact, I'm rather looking forward to finding out the truth of it all, something I honestly don't think living beings can know. Besides, Bob assures me it'll be a blast!

Me: Speaking of this "Bob" charactor.....who the hell IS he?

Him: Well, he's rather hard to describe. I suppose the closest I can come to quantifying him is comparing him to that little voice in your head, that reasoning that talks to you in quiet moments, that unknown person in your daydreams that tells you things you swear you wouldn't have come up with on your own. At first you're sure you made him up entirely on your own, but then later you're not so sure, because the stuff he's put in your head doesn't have a corresponding memory of your crafting it, at least consciously. I'm sure he's nothing more than my "id", that part of me deep down that does his own thing unrestrained by my conscious restraints, but, thank Bob, he doesn't have me walking around in my sleep doing crazy things. Or, maybe he's just a convenient something I can blame for some of the things I say. I think Mickey might know what I'm talking about.

Me: So, any big plans for "Dances"?

Him: Yep! I plan to get up tomorrow morning, survive the day, and either report on it, or provide one of my occasional insightful, well balanced editorials about what's going on in the world. With any luck, I won't lose any more readers as a result. I do like my readers, I really do.