Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Michael's Predictions for 2006

On this, the last day of the year of our......ah......Bob, 2005, I hereby grace you with my predictions for the coming year. This is not Jeanne Dixon pap, my friends, nosiree! These predictions are researched, argued, debated, collated, indexed, filed away, recovered, shredded, pieced back together, then leaked by high level officials of something or another whose identities must never be revealed, unless a great time to cash in comes up, so you know you can trust me on these. So, sit back, let your eyes soak it all in, and enjoy. If any of this actually happens, don't blame me, I can always claim I just made it all up.

Legislation will finally be passed which puts paid lobbyists out of business for good. A crisis in government will erupt as senators and legislators resign in droves, claiming financial hardship, and Washington becomes a ghost town. President.....oh, I'm sorry....VICE President Cheney, from an undisclosed location, will issue a plea for anyone wishing to earn an honest living to run for congress. The Republican National Committee will apply for bankruptcy, only to discover they can't due to the new bankruptcy laws their lobbyists "talked" them into passing.

Designer gas cans will become all the rage amongst rich SUV owners scrounging for scarce gasoline that no one else can afford. Detroit will recover building cars to trade to the Chinese for bicycles. Road rage will take on a whole new flavor.

An entirely new genre of Christianity will begin to take hold, called "born-again, then born again" Christianity. Christians, having discovered they haven't been acting very Christian, will re-baptize themselves and actually start acting as though they really get what Christ was trying to tell them for centuries. Hate crimes will drop dramatically.

Two scientists in Brooklyn, N.Y. will announce the first successful cloning of an extinct passenger pigeon. The pigeon will escape it's cage and be shot out of the sky by a duckhunter in the Midwest.

Elizabeth will resign the throne, admitting that the whole idea of Kings and Queens in the 21st century was silly to begin with. Distraught Englishmen will turn on paparazzi for making life so uncomfortable for royalty. Monty Python will buy Windsor Castle and hire peasants to oppress. King Author will return from Avalon thinking England once again needs him, discovering otherwise, and return disgusted with the whole thing, vowing never to return without a six figure contract.

Iraqi Sunni's and Shiites will kiss and make up while squadrons of Iranian Pigs fly overhead in the missing pig formation.

Hell will give up on the idea of freezing over once and for all, thanks to global warming.

Evian will announce the first designer bottled air for sale as the free stuff starts to thin out due to the deforestation of the Amazon Rain Forest. Shortly thereafter, emergency room admissions will increase as people begin breathing to much Red Bull Energy Air.

2006 will be warmer than 2005. Exactly how much and what that does will not be acknowledged by the Bush Administration.

Home insurance will become outright unaffordable in hurricane alley, prompting the mortgage companies to adopt a "build at your own risk" policy, or go out of business altogether. Bankruptcies will skyrocket, regardless of the new rules.

Economists will admit they put the decimal point in the wrong place, and revise their inflation figures to reflect the actual 10% increase that occurred last year due to rising energy and food costs. Inflation will continue to jump as it all piles on.

More and more people will flock to MM&M to learn what's really going on, having heard THE Michael doesn't sugar-coat, spin, or otherwise outright screw around with the truth. The NSA will monitor him closely, and the Bush Administration will arrange to have his DSL disconnected. People will then go "Oh well......" and go back to living their lives in ignorant bliss.

The Buffalo will ink a multi-million dollar book deal, which will quickly become a blockbuster movie, and a motley crew of bloggers will tour the talk show circuit claiming to know him personally. Hairdressers all over Los Angeles will be pointing at their TV's excitedly watching The Buffalo testify at a Senate hearing that "I never permed that woman's hair!".

Tim Elvis will start his own podcast from Las Vegas, where he will gain weight, become addicted to Red Bull Energy Air, and be found comatose in a pink sequined jump suit, with 15 Power Macs running photoshop full tilt boogie, overheating the penthouse suite in Caesar's Palace from which he blogs.

Lights in the Wake will run for congress, hoping to make an honest living.

Shandi will become a famous talk radio celebrity on NPR radio, due more to that sexy voice of hers than anything.

Teri will prove once and for all to the entire world that she is anything but timid, the details of which I will not disclose here.

The Michael will end the year no more famous or relevant than when he started.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

My First Annual Post-Yule Report

One half of the twins showed up yesterday with her kid and new husband Steven in tow. The evil twin had to stay behind due to job considerations, and we really miss her being here. Anyway, this is our post-yule report, since I still refuse to acknowledge that any of the good times we are having with family has ANYthing to do with that "Christmas" thing going on.

Holly sent along a nice little wooden box that she burned herself. She's quite the artiste' and the cover depicts my spirit guide, the hawk, or as I like to refer to him, the "Raptor". And guys, look, the initial meaning of raptor was to refer to a bird of prey, not a nasty 6 foot tall dinosaur. The red-tail hawk that visits me every once in a while speaks to me of nobility of purpose, something perhaps I pursue in my own life.

Heather and Steven got me.........drumroll Ipod Shuffle! Hey, I know lots of kids get these things as a matter of course. To me it could have been a gold plated harley davidson for how much I appreciated it.

The wife, my lovely witch, got a special quartz crystal for use in her ceremonies and such, and, another drum roll air driven spa mat for the bath tub!

Boy, let me tell ya, you should have heard the almost orgasmic shout of enjoyment that emanated from the bathroom when she tried that puppy out! I tried it out later myself,'s nice! Oh, and we also got these candle sconces that fit beautifully into our eclectic decor. And yea, we got them some nice things to.

We made another foray into St. Augustine for a leisurely day of shopping all the shops for stones and crystals and whatever we Wiccan's use to enrich our lives. I just happened to have one of those radio transmitters you attach to a music player, which I plugged into the Ipod, and we enjoyed a great mix of tunes on our way there and back, without being slaves to the radio or CD's. It was a good day.

Heather and Steven have first dibs on this house that is being built by some people they know, so the wife came up with a good spell to besiege the God and Goddess to ensure that everything works out to place them in this new home they surely need and deserve. Like the Christians like to say, sometimes the answer to a prayer is not the answer you want, and I'm sure the same applies to those who trust in this sort of approach to divinity. Well, I personally am using an ancient, tried and true spell that certainly can't hurt........I'm crossing my fingers and wishing them the best.

I don't really know how to explain to you all why this was the first holiday I have experienced in a very long time that I really enjoyed without any angst. Yes, I have had to endure the usual aggravations of the season such as mad traffic, utterly stupid shopping crowds, and television reruns, but as far as the home front is concerned, I really felt at ease. I've been in the company of people I love, I have had nothing but good wishes for all those in my blogging family, of all beliefs and lack thereof, and the fact that the world in general pisses me off to no end has been resting on the back burner of my mind, content to await it's turn to resurface and rail against the insanity of it all. The world can be a harsh and horrible place, but one can actually hold it at bay in some fashion and enjoy the blessings of family and home, if only for a moment, and I know how blessed me and mine are in contrast to the evil that so many others must live with in this world so over run with the evils that are totally man-made. In whatever fashion you found peace and joy in your life and your home, I wish for you all that you can maintain it as much as possible all throughout the coming year. Like Bob, that voice in my head that has kept me company for these many months, says, "It's all good!" I truly believe that, despite everything, and I hope you can believe it to. Not because a Bible, a Koran, or a Torah tells you so, but because something deep inside that is part of all of us gets through all your doubts and gives you that peace you need to accept it.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Yet Another Attempt to Get My Own Personal File with the FBI

Ladies and Gentlemen, this will be the final RANT for 2005. I have to work the Christmas weekend and might not be able to post again, but if I do, I promise something a tad more upbeat. If not, please know that I wish you ALL a Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year, or anything else you'd like me to wish you for the holidays.

I have a sad prediction to make, of what might very well happen if "middle America" doesn't wake up and find that "on switch" to that brain they claim to have. The gulf between two distinct kinds of people in this country is widening like never before. On one side are what I'll call the Reds, which is rather ironic when you consider what a "Red" used to refer to. These are those Americans who have grabbed on to for dear life this philosophy called conservatism. Let's look at the official definition of conservatism, shall we? "The tendency to maintain the existing order and resist change." On the face of it, this concept isn't actually such a bad thing, when it applies to tradition, the rule of law, and common sense. But when you make this philosophy a religion, unyielding, intolerant, based on false assumptions as to what can be classified as right and wrong, then you have a societal pathology on your hands, which can result in such wonderful things as Jim Crow, Gulags, Kent State, Watergate, illegal wars, you name it.

So what about this dirty word that even some democrats are starting to disassociate themselves from? Let's look at the official definition of "Liberal". "Broad minded; tolerant. Favoring civil liberties, democratic reforms, and the use of public resources to promote social progress." GASP! Such an EVIL concept! Yes, I fully realize that when you head to the extreme left, you begin to think this idea is an anything-goes philosophy that preaches no limits, but anyone with a lick of common sense knows that there are limits to how far you can carry even this philosophy. I would like to think that at one time, most people found a nice, middle of the road comfort zone that blended both of these approaches to life, people who we call "moderates" who seem to have become a vanishing breed in this country. Where in the hell did they all go? Has the comfort and security this country enjoyed courtesy of all the sweat and blood our forefathers shed for us spoiled us all to the extent we can't think logically anymore?

Well, at the rate we are going, we are going to suffer another polarization that will make the civil war sound like a simple bar brawl. I would like to seem to be fair minded about this and say that fault lies with BOTH camps, but I truly can't. The religious right in this country has grown in influence and power since the Reagan years, and the Corporate boss-hogs have jumped on the wagon, knowing full well that conservative philosophy fits perfectly into their game plan. Conservatism has brought us such joys as segregation, finding new enemies to dump bombs on, interference in secular institutions by bible-thumpers, and an endless supply of tax cuts and legislative pork for the benefit of the upper class. If you ever truly doubted the value of education and an inquiring mind, all you need do is notice how the salt-of-the-earth, conservative minded folks who slavishly attend church two times a week seem to be totally unaware of how the people who they vote for turn around and help destroy everything these people work their butts off for. There is an old addage.......screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on ME. Can somebody tell me whatever happened to THAT?

The philosophical swings to the left and right used to sort of balance themselves out over time, no great damage done, with progress made in baby steps, but all for the good. Now, the pendulum has begun to swing dangerously to the dark side, with fully half of the populace held in some kind of clueless trance, the other half not stepping up to the plate and saying what has to be said in the plainest language possible. Only there ARE enough of us left out here who are not going to just roll over and play dead; push is going to have to come to shove sooner or later. When the men in the black SUV's start parking outside our homes on a regular basis, when we begin to EXPECT that at least one of our children will not outlive us, having been fed to this Evangelistic war machine, and all our jobs have been exported to our good friends, the "Communist" Chinese, I think perhaps more than harsh words are going to start flying.

There are now two Americas sharing the same soil, and there's not room enough for both of them. Sooner or later, one side of the aisle is going to stand up and walk out of that vaulted chamber of congress, asking whoever still has the guts to stand up against this new evil to come with them. Generals and the young men they command will have to decide which America they swore to uphold and protect, against ALL enemies, foreign AND domestic. There will be great tension as one group slaps on their shoulders the blue patch representing true freedom and democracy, the other the red patch representing the Lord and good old family values. And then, my friends, either a line will be drawn, perhaps across the Mason-Dixon, across which these two ideas of what America means will face off, or there will be all-out civil war, no one truly understanding who the enemy is, brother against brother, neighbor against neighbor, the kind of chaos the fans of Armageddon have been lusting after for so long. And when the dust settles, if it ever truly does, this shining city on the hill, once the standard against which all civilizations have been measured, will lay in ruins, either with a moderate, forgiving democratic government rewriting the constitution in the plainest English it can come up with to ensure that we ALL know what freedom stands for, or we shall be ruled over by a corporate Theocracy which shall put North Korea, Iran, and Red China to shame in it's intolerant brutality.

You probably think by now that I can't wait for all this to happen. You would be dead wrong. What I am waiting for is the American people to wake up and understand what is happening all around them, to take a deep breath, and understand that the freedoms we enjoy is not the freedom to force upon your fellow man your personal theology or your willingness to live under a corporate yoke. The pendulum CAN swing back to the middle where it belongs, where we all can agree to disagree, work out reasonable solutions to our problems, and start looking out for each other instead of living this ME ME ME kind of life we have fallen victim to. I love this country. I am a proud American. Just don't expect me to give up my right to freely express my opinions, as I respect your right to do so. If I see one of those black SUV's pull up outside my home, I'll try and let you know before I disappear into one of our secret prisons, so that you know that our government is protecting you against such dissidence as mine.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Snail Mail, E-mail, and Finding New Friends

The wife had to leave early for work today, so she was gone as I stumbled out into the living/dining/den/whateverelseweusethiswonderfulspacefor room and tapped the mouse to wake up the Imac. I always check the mail icon for those little red numbers that tell me how much mail I've received, which is usually a comment to MM&M. When I was a kid, waiting for that old-fashioned snail mail was one of those true excitements in life, something you had to WAIT for, and the very thought of getting a letter actually sent to ME was one of those overwhelming pleasures of life that helped ease all the other pains of living it. Nowadays, snail mail is that damn dreaded thing consisting only of junk I'll have to burn with the rest of the paper trash and bills I hope to hell I can pay.
Ah, but e-mail, that's another creature altogether. Thanks to junk mail filters I am blessed on an almost daily basis with the kind of mail much akin to that I used to look forward to as a kid. Good letters, short and sweet, perhaps, but full of good will from people who have become my strange new ethereal family. I have only one true friend outside my family and he lives just far away enough that we now only see each other maybe three times a year. And he doesn't do email.

Well, anyway, getting to the point of this post, I had two comments awaiting me, one from teri, laughing at me, at my invitation, of course, for daring to suggest she's timid, and from one other, a Mr. Paul Lambert, a fine gentleman who dares use his real name, author of a blog called "I Wonder". I think Buffalo pointed me in this gentleman's direction earlier but I hadn't gone to visit like I should have. Well, Paul came to visit MM&M and left a very short hello. I backtracked and found a kindred soul.

This guy is living the life I've been lusting after since forever, living off the grid courtesy of solar power (I'm assuming he uses solar since he's not paying ransom to the utility companies) and he has lived a very interesting life......IS living a very interesting life. I read some of his stuff and I love the way he writes and the observations he makes. He recognizes some of the follies of our existence with no where near the cynicism that is the hall mark of my own rants. It is evident the man is well educated, has a good grasp of common sense, and despite his credentials, writes in good old fashion ordinary English that anyone can understand. THAT I appreciate more than anything, as many of the blogs I read really tire me with their habit of elucidating in the most convoluted fashion their education enables them to. I highly recommend that all my readers wonder over and sample his wonders.

Oh, and of course, last night was Winter Solstice, and my witchy wannabe wife had us out in the shade garden welcoming back the beginning of longer days and a warmer sun. I love watching her as she reads her ceremonies from the wooden book I made for her to hold her enchantments and other stuff in. And, as the patient and supportive husband I am, I even interrupted her a few times to let her know it was WEST she was speaking to, not NORTH as she payed homage to Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire. The fire was pleasant to sit next to as we shared a drink in the frigid air. Later that night she told me something like 35 times how much she loved me and how special I was to her, which is why, despite so many years of self doubt, self loathing, and pitiful self esteem, I feel damn near invincible these days. Get yourself a woman like this, guys, and YOU'LL be invincible, to!

Well, that's todays report from Sandy Acre, Pendragon Hold, just to mention a few of the names I use to refer to our humble abode. If there are any new injustices occurring in the world today, I haven't heard about them yet, but I will, and you're sure to hear MY take on them. Can't let sleeping dogs lie, now can we?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

In Case You Hadn't Noticed........

News, and the facts that sometimes accompany it, is a strange creature. You have to wonder why scriptwriters have such a hard time coming up stuff anywhere near as strange, frightening, or downright weird as what really happens around us every day.

The President, a guy named "Dubya" no less, has decided that we need to be spied on, without court approval, in order to protect

Saddam Hussein really misses Ronald Reagan. I mean, Ronny really took care of his friends in a pinch, such as being at war with Iran. Imagine the irony if planes launched from the USS Ronald Reagan helped topple the poor guys' regime.

Gays in what was once one of the most oppressive Catholic societies, namely Ireland, can now marry. So, in a strange twist, Irish American Catholic Gays will be streaming BACK to Ireland from the freest nation on Earth in order to tie the knot. Go figure.

They want to clone the extinct wooly mammoth. So tell me, if they are successful, where on Earth are they going to keep these beasts that's cold enough to suit them? The polar bear is already in trouble.

A federal judge told the Dover Pennsylvania school board that calling it "Intelligent Design" was not such an intelligent way of sneaking creationism into the science curriculum. Maybe one day we'll get rid of "the devil made me do it" defense as well.

At the time we invaded Iraq, one country actually did; have weapons of mass destruction, a history of armed conflict with it's neighbors, and supported Al-Quida and the Talaban. Only we can't invade Pakistan, they are our friends.

The FBI is hard at work surveilling such dangerous organizations as PETA, Quakers, LIbrarians, and quite a few protest groups. Didn't Dennis Hopper say that the 90's were going to make the 60's look like the 50's? He was only off by about a decade.

There are more than 11,000 (yes, I said thousand) distinct religious groups in the world, the majority of them assured that only they shall go to heaven, or whatever delightful place they've thought up. So remember, no matter which faith has "saved" you, there are plenty more that have sent your sorry ass straight to hell.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Wiccans celebrate it as Yule, their version of Christmas. Back in the day, celebrating such a thing would get you roasted on an open fire, rather than chestnuts. Peace on Earth, good will towards men.....ah........what a concept.

That's all the MM&M I have to bring you today. Be well, and Peace to you all.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Saved by the Comments

OK, some of my recent comments lamented the fact that I had overlooked many of the people on my blog list on a recent post. To them I apologize profusely, and thank them for giving me ammunition for my post tonight, in keeping with my promise to inflict all of you with daily doses of MM&M.

Lady Safiya.....Mysterious, beautiful in an eclectic sort of way, who posts rarely but makes each post worth waiting for.

Megerita, who tasks me constantly with her writings about a world I am apparently totally oblivious to, yet greatly entertaining once I actually "get" what the hell she's talking about. It's my fault, folks, not hers.......

Alley! Ah, truly, the adventures this girl reports on! What I really like is her recent encounters with weather and culture shock. She does a respectable amount of digging around in the news to highlight many an injustice, and helps to keep me in formed of many things I'm to damn lazy to find on my own. A MUST read.

Kel......She's young, experiencing things only a young mom in the Midwest can experience, not that far flung from my own childhood. I share her pain as well as her joys.

Alecia (make SURE you spell that with an "e")........well......we haven't jelled to well, her and I, and sometimes she tires me, but then out of nowhere she produces something downright brilliant, and it's worth every time she bit my head off for my comment......grin.'s been a great fan of that OTHER blog, and I always look forward to peeking into HER version of life as we know it, or wish we did.

Morningstar (owned by Warren).........that alone speaks for itself.......a blog NOT for the faint of heart, let me tell ya!

Magdala. Now THIS girl can write.....and write......and write! Grab a drink, a cup of coffee, maybe a donut, you're gonna be there awhile! She puts MY idea of musing to SHAME!

Now, there are plenty of others that I read, but the above one's I consider all part of this strange family I belong to. Some of them aggravate me as much as entertain me, but that's no reflection on the quality of their efforts; these girls are out here in the thick of it and I salute each and every one of them. Oh, and yes, I just noticed that this list consists of all women
.........hmmmmm...........well, guys, it looks like we are being buried here in a sea of quality estrogen run amok! I KNOW men can blog, hell, Buffalo and Tim are all the proof you need of that! I just wonder why so few of us guys end up on these lists....hmmmm.......something to think about.......

Monday, December 19, 2005

Can a Carrot Work Without a Stick? You Tell Me......

I honestly used to think that people who are raised in, enveloped by, and joyously practicing a belief such as charismatic Christianity, become mentally incapable of altering their mindset on their own. I'm not speaking of preachers' daughters, sons of ministers, and other such that reject these indoctrination's simply as acts of rebellion, but people who have spent the majority of their lives insuring that they and the people they love do not suffer the eternal damnation that comes from not being born again in Jesus Christ. So, I have had to adapt a sort of "forgive them, Bob, for they know not what they do" attitude towards them. I mean, like, give 'em a break, they are already hardwired to never question this shit, and there's nothing you can do to change their mind. It's like trying to get an Intel PC to accept and run the Mac OSX operating system. It just can't do it. Now, Mac's can, with a little software magic, run Windows, but Apple has never being hardwired for mediocrity.

Well, this weekend, it seems that this old dog, THE Michael, actually HAS learned a new trick. This American Life, a weekend show in NPR, devoted the whole show to examining what happened to Carlton Pearson, once one of the most celebrated Charismatic Christian Pastors ever to preach the gospel, reaching the same level of fame as Oral Roberts (who mentored him) and Pat Robertson, amongst a few. This story is as inspiring as it is tragic.

Pearson, a black man, was the son of a preacher, and in those days the brand of religion they practiced was 85% hellfire and brimstone, maybe 15% Jesus' love. It was not a very uplifting way to love God, under such a threat, and when Oral Roberts began to put a kinder, gentler spin on the gospels, suggesting that you could actually experience some happiness in this life and still get to heaven, Pearson came running. Pearson had a natural talent for preaching, and was a talented singer, joining Robertson's salvation singing ensemble, helping to attract thousands of more converts. Before to long, Oral himself had all but adopted Pearson, calling him his "black son", as well as a person indispensable to the movement. Life was good spreading the gospel of the Lord, all that good news of salvation, and soon Peirson had his own church, his own enormous congregation, and the respect of Evangelical Christians of all walks of life and color of skin.

But one day, while watching news reports of yet another starvation crisis in Africa on his big screen TV in the warm comfort of his big house, his well fed daughter on his lap, something beyond rote faith caused this man to ask his God, "How could you allow all these innocent children who can't be born again to die this way and then be sucked right into hell?"

I always wondered about this something you all have heard me refer to as "Bob". Is he simply a fictional product of my imagination, something I have cooked up to answer these pressing questions roiling around in my heart, or has something greater than all of us actually spoken to me, a voice in my head that refuses to admit to it's existence one way or another? Well, I don't know who spoke to Carlton that day but it very well could have been Bob, for all I know. Carlton was convinced it was the God he had always worshipped. And it asked HIM the question, "Is THAT what you really think we are all about? That we suck into hell these innocent souls and burn them for all eternity? The same ones who say we LOVE you? Look around you, look at your TV there, is that NOT hell they are living in ALREADY? No, Carlton, I take them into my presence."

This was a voice that a person like Carlton could not dismiss as imagination or even the devil. Carlton had somehow retained his ability to question, to study, to unearth the truths behind all he and all these other preachers were preaching to the masses. And so faced with the harsh reality that according to scripture, a scripture written by MEN, by the way, even Jesus himself gave credence to the concept of hell and that man could end up there without Christ's intervention, Carlton had to find out how this threat of hell came about in the first place, for how could he preach the thoughts that were spinning in his head if he himself could not find proof for it in the scriptures? So he dug, and he studied, and he sought out translations of the original greek writings upon which scripture was based, and it was only then that Carlton discovered that just like Man has managed to screw up just about everything else he involves himself with, so did the authors of the Bible that we now preach. He even came to understand how men in back rooms would argue and cuss and fight over what was to be deemed as official scripture, spoken by God himself, and what was not. One cannot imagine the stuff that was weeded out or re-interpreted in order to make it fit into the sensibilities of the day, or to what political end these men needed this Bible to help them achieve.

So here we have the heretic, the man who dared to suggest that there IS no hell, that when Jesus died on the cross, he died for our sins, for the sins of ALL people, believers, non-believers, young, old, black, white, brown, of any or all religions or none at all. That this son of God negotiated for the sins of Man so that God could take them all into his presence and love them, his children that HE created so imperfect that they were capable of sin.

Carlton lost everything, falling from grace within his own church and even the eyes of his father in the faith, Oral Roberts. Now he is the pariah, with a flock now a mere fraction of the thousands that used to flock to his services. He has been denounced and assured by people who used to love and respect him that he is certainly headed straight to hell for daring to suggest there IS no hell. When people, good Christians all, encounter someone in his congregation on the streets, they evangelize them, and these people for the first time in their religious life now know what it's like to be on the receiving end of Christian proselytization. And it shames them that they used to behave like that.

I feel for this man. And despite the fact that I might not exactly agree with even HIS version of God and faith and a savior born of a virgin, I have very much come to respect him. He did not just accept indoctrination as the truth but actually DARED to seek it out in his heart of hearts. Knowing mankind's' need to hold onto something in the face of mortality, I have no doubt that with his fervor, he might very well establish another sect of Christianity that might very well rival that which he was born into. Yet, sadly, this will only be one more division, one more excuse for people to scream at each other, yelling their 'truth" over each other's heads, one more excuse to accuse each other of heresy, of daring to be different. I suggest that you go and google this man's name and learn about him. He is the closest example I have yet to find of the idea that even the most rabid Christian can find salvation, despite Christianity.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

The following was written under the influence of an AC/DC concert video and is in no way representative of the usual MM&M fare.......

As of tonight I have decided to become the most prolific blogger the world has ever seen. One (or maybe even two) blogs per day, everyday, 365 days of the year. How do I do this, you ask? You didn't? Well, fine, I'll tell you anyway. Yes, there are days I am working, so damn tired I couldn't write a check much less a post, and I don't always have anything worth the server space. However, there ARE those days I am just chock-full of inspiration, rage, amazement, wonderment, and downright story writing zeal. On those days I will just whip out as much stuff as I can before the wife takes a baseball bat to my Imac. However, I shall hold those epic presentations in standby to release them in a steady deluge of Madness, Musings, and last but certainly not least, Melancholy. You can thank me later. Only please give me a head start. I don't have a passport.
Now, I'm sure by now SOMEbody out there is jumping up and down yelling, "Hey, only once a day? Hell, we see people whipping out posts left and right; you'll never claim the title of Mr. Prolific!"
Yea, but do they make any sense? Do they make you think? Do they piss you off for GOOD reasons? Do they have links to the premiere bloggers of our day, such as the incredible Buffalo, the sensational Shandi, or even the timid Teri? I dare say NOT! Do they have the gateways to the wisdom of the likes of Tim-Elvis or LIghts-in-the-wake? (maybe a few of them but ALL?) I Dare think NOT! Do they come completely out of left field with topics not resurrected since wax spun at 45 rpm? Do they they have the integrity, the grit, the downright outlandish moxey that only THE Michael could possess? (Shut up buffalo) I dare say NO WAY HOSE-HAY! Thus, I shall rule the blogger roost by technicalities if I have to, but I WILL!


A carefully orchestrated comment writing campaign backed by a well-oiled machine similar to that of the Republican National Convention, complete with name-calling, slander, half-truths, quarter-truths, outright fact, and other such bothersome things, might, and I say MIGHT, dissuade me from unleashing this horror upon an unsuspecting populace. Or, Lights could just go ahead and send me that money he was almost going to blow on online gambling anyway. Target HIM instead, I'd rather have the money.

Now that I have scared you all half to death at the very thought of THE Michael flooding the internet with his musings like a Windows Virus (to which he is totally immune, by the way.....GO APPLE!), I return you to your regularly scheduled lives, where you might consider posting so often I haven't got TIME to write, having to read all that wonderful stuff you guys put out, when you DO put it out.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Yule, and anything else that might be celebrated this time of year!

The Path to Armageddon is Paved with Bad Intentions, or Why I think Carl Rove is the Anti-Christ

Ah, the people we elect to office in this country. On what basis do we choose who will be CEO of the largest corporation in the free world? It's no different, really, than that totally illogical and asinine way that our bosses make their way into the big chair in the boardroom. The cronies, the frat boys, the guys still smoking those illegal cuban cigars in the back room; they pick a favorite based on who's going to take care of them and then parade them out in front of us to vote for. Of course, whoever gets tagged is run thru the mill first, coached and vetted, some even going thru an extreme makeover. They don't have to BE good at the job, they just have to LOOK good doing it. Well, at least it used to be that way.

Then a young man named Carl Rove discovered a huge, untapped reservoir of votes out here in the hinterland, those the elite and the educated and the aware forgot were there.........all those salt-of-the-earth, ill-educated, rabidly religious, hyper-patriotic good old boys and trailer park mothers of 8 kids who all could fall in love with a candidate who looked, spoke, and acted like them. Those of us living in our cities and suburbs with our college educations and stock portfolios had no idea that these are truly the silent majority in this country. People who live hard, play hard, and die even harder in the rural and semi-rural outback where judgment is easy when some preacher assures you that going to HIS church has saved YOUR soul, devil burn the rest. Republicans have always known how to appeal to the baser instincts of this constituency; resist change, resist diversity, instill fear of difference, encourage keep-your-mouth-shut patriotism, and create an external enemy to keep their minds off the unemployment that constantly haunts them. Just as the lamb looks at you for that treat in your hand, ignoring the knife about to cut it's throat, this mindless herd lacks the capacity to know when they are being bent over and sodomized, all in the name of good old fashioned family values. It's sickening to watch, and even harder to explain to them.

The Republican Machine successfully recruited the raw power of this demographic just in time for one of the most successful (actual performance wise) presidents ever elected to make the ultimate mistake, i.e. getting CAUGHT involved in sexual hanky panky in the oval office. To think that Bill Clinton was the first president ever to suffer from such a brain-fart is laughable considering all the dirt we have dug up concerning past presidents, but this time there was a rabid dog outside the gates just waiting to take that bite. So, a president that not only LOOKED good doing the job but was actually GOOD at it almost got thrown out of office, despite having done some incredibly good things for this country. Then comes good old Dubya.

Listening to George Bush trying to elucidate his platform was like listening to Buckwheat trying to recite the Gettysburg Address. This was a college "educated" man who is purported to have actually flown a fighter jet, yet couldn't have possibly written a college essay that would have allowed him into a community college. Listening to what he wanted to do with the country was even more painful, alarming even, but it wasn't his philosophy people were eating up; it was his STYLE. This good-old-boy was JUST LIKE THEM. An angry, marginalized mob loves nothing more than being led by somebody just like them, whether or not that somebody has a clue as to what leadership is.

So, Carl Rove and his buddies had struck the jackpot. The traditional candidate spouting promises they may or may not honor once elected, looking good while they did it, didn't stand a chance. And every money hungry corporation in the country knew a good thing when they saw it, a candidate with no brain of his own that they could manipulate at will, ensuring that they would get their cut of the spoils. Plus, there was that added bonus of having an external threat out there brewing on the back burner that this new president could use to keep our minds off the massacre of everything American back home. That threat was not Al-Quida, but an arab mafia chief that had managed to slip from the grasp of Dubya's daddy, the OTHER George Bush. Revenge and vindication would be sooooo sweet!

The worst possible thing that could have happened to both America AND the middle east occurred shortly after this new kind of president took office. The twin towers in new york were brought down by a collection of suicide terrorists that had been right under our noses. The author of that attack was living in the relative shelter of an oppressive Islamist regime who had thumbed their noses at the civilized world. Once we got our vaulted "intelligence" machine (the CIA) to wake up and notice what was going on, we knew the attack had originated in Afghanistan. We knew where the enemy was. But Dubya didn't. It took alot of arguing and cajoling by his advisers to convince him that Saddam Hussein was not the primary target, but that didn't stop the president from putting into motion his hell-or-high-water effort to take the Iraqi president down. First, a minimal effort utilizing airpower and the afghan Northern Alliance was undertaken to bring down the Taliban, the regime sheltering Ossama Ben Laden. But the REAL effort underway was to fabricate whatever it took to hoodwink the American people in to thinking that Saddam was the real threat and had to be eliminated.

So, years later, what do we have? We have the architect of 9/11 still hiding out, and a mess of a so-called occupation of a country just waiting for us to leave so they can get on with their civil war. This quagmire has already taken more than 2000 of our sons and daughters, and promises to take many more before we finally find a way out. We have the largest federal deficit this country has ever had, down from the first surplus this country ever knew thanks to the efforts of President Clinton. Social services have been gutted, only because the Republicans haven't had the guts to try and eliminate them altogether. The rich have enjoyed tax cuts that would put a glutton to shame, and the oil companies are swimming in an ocean of cash courtesy of the administration and our thinning pocketbooks. The environment.......hell, you can just kiss THAT goodbye. And, if all that isn't enough, this proud country, that shining city on the hill, is now despised in most parts of the civilized world and pitied in the rest. We have become the new Roman Empire, rotting within even as it begins it's march to "bring democracy" to those places that wouldn't know what to do with it if they had it. Meanwhile, China is quietly buying us up, waiting patiently for the day when they become THE only superpower that we used to be once we outlasted the Soviets.

I do not believe in the end times as prophesied by the bible, but I DO believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. The United States is in the grip of people who actually believe in a rapture, a coming kingdom of God on Earth, and an Armageddon that shall wipe the blasphemers from the face of the Earth, thus, there is no need to worry about social justice, the environment, or all those silly things that God himself will set straight one day anyway. So where does that leave the rest of us? It leaves us in HELL as the world is brought to the brink of ruin by this president and his army of religious zealots. But that's alright, for they have been SAVED.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


To those of you who are interested, M.B. & Company are back at it know where the link is>>>>>>>enjoy!

Trash Commentary at it's Best

Well, it's been reported that our great esteemed leader of the free world secretly ordered the NSA to eavesdrop on American citizens without bothering with a court order. It's nice to know that while we are interfering in the domestic affairs of middle eastern countries that our government is interfering in our lives with equal gusto. We might not have any idea how to handle Iraqi insurgents, but we damn well know how to handle those meddling radical librarians, quakers, and anyone else you dares say something less than flattering about our government. Since it's been decided by the Bush Administration that rule of law is merely a suggestion, perhaps he should go for the gold and suggest that presidents need not be hobbled by only two terms in office and just call off the next election. He's already proven that one needs not actually WIN an election to begin with, so simply REMAINING in office until he has turned the entire government over to Cheney and company, who can run it much more efficiently for alot more money, should not be a big problem. I mean, what would the rest of us do........complain? THAT would be un-American, now wouldn't it?

There IS good news, however. Senator McCain has managed to negotiate a bill that would make it illegal for the U.S. to torture people in order to gain valuable intelligence that might prevent another terrorist attack. This, of course, simply tells the world that we reluctantly agree that the geneva conventions and other bothersome human rights issues will be respected in the future, except in those instances when the Bush administration decides simply to secretly order the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, or Haliburton to simply go ahead and torture those bastards anyway, just don't admit to it. And since we don't, according to the esteemed Professor Rice, torture suspected terrorists in secret facilities in Eastern European countries, we'll simply have to move those operations into the back offices of the new Walmarts we are setting up in friendly third world countries. Based on Walmart's expertise in dealing with pesky unions, they should have no problems keeping such activities close to the vest. I feel so much safer already.

Brittany Spears and her husband are having problems. Not that you or I really give a shit, but it makes great filler material while I'm thinking of something actually important to write.......

The Sunni's in Iraq have suddenly decided that participating in the elections is actually a GOOD thing, so now masked gunmen that usually attack U.S. troops, collaborators, Shiites, and innocent women and children, are busy guarding polling places from themselves with the understanding that those they don't murder will vote for them. This is Middle Eastern democracy at it's best. For public relations purposes, they have changed the name of the Bathe Party to the Shower Party. With the limited number of seats they are sure to garner, they should have at least a few people sitting in Congress who can attempt to filibuster by AK-47, perhaps even re-installing Sadam Hussein before he gets hanged. As aptly demonstrated by the Bush administration, there's more than one way to become President, a lesson I'm sure the Sunni's will take to heart.

Somehow, the senate has rejected renewing the Patriot Act, at least in it's present form. This is distressing, in light of the fact that we haven't yet been able to collect enough intelligence on those pesky librarians running all those terrorist sleeper cells preparing to overthrow the dewey decimal system. But have no fear, my fellow Americans, for I have no doubt whatsoever that Carl Rove and Tim Delay are hard at work redistricting whatever area that elected those senators that opposed it. Since Delay has all that time on his hands since being indicted and can't do his majority leader thing, it's good to know he has SOMETHING to keep him busy.

Oh, and the IRS is busy revoking the tax-exempt status of any church that said anything bad about Bush or Republicans. This is a good thing, because we can't have people preaching anything but God from the pulpit without paying dearly for it. It's perfectly alright for Baptists to decorate courthouses with religious dogma, but having a preacher advocating that people THINK about social justice from within a church is really going to far. Matter of fact, I really think we need to go back and retroactively revoke the good Reverend Martin Luther King's tax exempt status for daring to lead all those civil-rights marches, and collect all those back taxes from his estate. That should have a nice chilling effect on further social consciousness shenanigans.

O.K., gang, that's todays boring rant. I'm sure you've gotten used to listening to my take on the news of the day; the usual price you pay for showing up and hoping to read something astounding. I never promised you astounding. I do promise you mediocre at best. But, admit it, where else are you going to find mediocrity of this caliber? Be nice and don't answer that...............

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dear Mom.......

Dear Michele,

It's been eight years since I sat by your bedside and watched you pass beyond my life. By that time, I had become the parent, doing my best to enrich the limited years I knew you had left, and putting my foot down when your room overflowed with the things that pack-rats gather, and I had to force you to choose what to keep and what to let go. I watched as the talented artist you once was struggled to maintain that boundless talent, hobbled by the limitations your illness placed upon you. I did everything I could to ensure that I knew everything a son could know about the mother he had discovered so late in life, and to appreciate the gift I'd been granted in doing so, even though it placed burdens upon me that no man of that age would have expected. I am so grateful that the allegiance I had to you, however unearned, did not prevent the woman I love from loving me, the woman I call my wife. But most of all, Michele, I am blessed for having gotten to meet, fall in love with, and accept the woman who gave birth to me and never stopped loving me despite the hatred I had for you for abandoning me, even though I eventually learned that it was my father who separated us, who himself actually DID abandon me rather than return me to the one person in my life who always loved me unconditionally.
You never had a chance to share with me your idea of what life was all about, to teach me lessons that you had learned in your hard life, or to be there for those milestones that every young man passes through on his way to adulthood. You never got the chance to know what potential I had, and to nurture it. You were robbed of birthdays, Christmases, report cards, and temper tantrums. You did not have the chance to discover what it was like to have to consider sacrifices for a part of you that would carry on after you were gone. And you never had the chance to see if perhaps you could draw out in me the talent that you could very well have passed on to me, but was never encouraged. I need not forgive you for any of these things, for they were not your failings. All these possibilities were denied both you and I by one man, who totally disgraced his responsibility.
I do not spend much of my valuable time or karma even thinking about him, that sperm donor who helped bring me into this world. But I do put alot of effort into remembering the memories you were able to leave me with, wonderful memories that I shall carry with me till my dying day, until hopefully I can see you again and ask you if I did you proud during the life you gave me. I try, Mom, I really do, but it haunts me that your little boy did not perhaps reach the heights you might have wished him to. All I know is that in the end, I truly knew the joy of having you in my life, despite all those attempts by less than honorable people, and perhaps fate itself, to keep that from happening. I will probably never be able to impart the totality of your wonderful essence to people who never knew you, but I promise you that as long as I draw breath, you will live on in one heart.......the heart of your little boy who has never stopped loving you and misses you sooooooo much!

Your one and only son,


This is what I get for being nice........

OK, I got tagged for being nice and helping to birth a new blog. This wasn't MY idea.......

2 names you go by
1. Michael
2. Dammit, Michael!

2 parts of your heritage
1. Homo Sapiens
2. Not sure I want to know.....

2 things that scare you
1. Life support for no good reason
2. Needles

2 of your everyday essentials
1. Breathable Air
2. A nice hot bath, preferably with someone

2 things you are wearing right now
1. Black Celtic T-shirt
2. Black Cargo Pants

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
1. Carlos Santana & guest vocalists
2. Pink Floyd

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment)
1. Somewhere Over the Rainbow (the version you hear on commercials all the time)
2. Dosage

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
1. Respect
2. Tolerance

2 truths
1. I am irreverent
2. I am concerned about too many things to keep up with

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex)
1. eclectic beauty
2. A bright, joyful smile

2 of your favorite hobbies
1. Blogging
2. Photography

2 things you want really badly
1. World Peace
2. comfort

2 places you want to go on vacation
1. Anyplace natural I can see all the stars
2. Somewhere with seasons

2 things you want to do before you die
1. Hike up Bird Creek in Alaska one last time
2. Thinking my life wasn't a total waste

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude
1. I have one hanging
2. I know what I want before I go to a store

2 things you are thinking about now
1. Wether or not it's gonna rain on my wife's ceremony tonight
2. How I got hijacked into posting this on my blog

2 stores you shop at
1. Walmart (Only because they ran everybody else out of business)
2. Publix

2 people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Buffalo
2. No one else, just Buffalo, because I had to.....

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I would like all my fans and those who tolerate me simply out of charity to welcome to the fold an old friend of mine (no, she's not OLD, I've just known her for awhile), Gina. You can find the link to her new effort right over there>>>>>> on my list. I talked her into creating her own blog as a stab at therapy, and I think you all know just how therapeutic our blogs can be. Gina has her down moments and I hope that this process, and your good graces, can help brighten her world, just as it's had a positive effect on all of us to some degree. So please, be gentle with her, she's a blogger virgin and needs all the encouragement and good will I know you are all capable of. Like most newbies, she questions her own ability to be eloquent or have anything of value to say. With your help, she is going to discover soon enough that she is probably going to be alot better at this than she ever thought she could be. I mean, look at ME. I started out as God's gift to bloggers and you guys have yet to clue me in on just how much you've been humoring me all along........grin.
So, this particular post is dedicated to adopting a new sister into the ranks of us miscreants, musers, mad dogs, and wait.......we got any Englishmen in this bunch? Didn't think so.........
Welcome to Blogger,com, Gina. Look at that list of links over there and get ready to read some of the best stuff the world wide web has to offer, and never be afraid to toss in YOUR two cents worth!

P.S. I want that in unmarked twenties, if you don't mind.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Merry Christmas.........OR ELSE!

Well, the holiday season is in full swing, and so are the tempers. As a much younger man, I actually enjoyed Christmas. Having been "raised" Catholic, Christmas was as much part of my reality as breathing. It just WAS. As a kid, even after figuring out that Santa Claus was nothing more than a made-up character, I still looked forward to those presents, the food, the decorations, even the music. Fast forward to an older, arguably wiser, and not so gullible man.......

I used to love Led Zeppelin. Then came the "oldies" rock stations and it seemed that every third song was a Zeppelin song. Now, if you work in a fried chicken restaurant long enough, you'll get sick of fried chicken, no matter how much you used to love it. Same thing with any rock band. Before long I couldn't stand hearing one more "Communication Breakdown".

Christmas probably lasted as long as it did in my heart of hearts because it only came around once a year, for about three weeks. Things change, evolve, and as the years wore on, the Christmas season began to lengthen and morph into a commercial beast that ate the whole month of December and that month's paychecks. When I grew up and was freed from the yoke of forced religious practice of Catholic dogma, I quickly became aware of other religions; other points of view, and, GASP, even the idea that their might not even be a God at all.

And so, the religious justification for celebrating Christmas was soon supplanted by the secular enjoyment of it, and at least I still had that joy of giving and getting, tinsel, blinking lights, and those silly chipmunk songs to look forward to every year. Then the beast grew even larger, as it seemed the retailers were not satisfied with just the month of December; no, they were beginning to start their Christmas promotions as early as the end of halloween! Thanksgiving was easy to gloss over as the focus of that holiday was on food, family, and giving thanks rather than buying lots of expensive gifts. By this time I had become a struggling agnostic, attempting to hold onto any reason not to become an out and out atheist. And so as we entered this new century, the fried chicken analogy came home to roost and was destroying any desire whatsoever to have anything to do with Christmas, religious, secular, or otherwise, with it's incessant commercialism, traffic, crowded shopping, and mind-numbing Christmas music.

As of late I've been content to just bear with it, doing my best to humor those who wished me a Merry Christmas, while making it known to my Christmas-to-the-max wife that I was participating in this charade under duress. Then, thank Bob, she finally got as fed up with religion and commercialized Christmas as I was....well, almost......

Humans as a whole crave structure, purpose, tradition, a sense of belonging to something greater than themselves. So, it's not surprising that my wife's determined spirituality led her to delve into Wicca, and I have supported her fully, as this philosophy does not force one to have to deal with yet another carrot-and-stick approach to enlightenment. I do not fully buy into the entire theatre of the practice of Wicca, but as a "religion", it is not based so much on saints and sinners as it is on respect for the Earth, for nature, and for all living things. There is no "our way or the highway", the highway being some form of eternal damnation. The only evil recognized in Wicca is the evil men do onto themselves. Humoring my wife's witchcraft certainly beats dodging pedophile priests or protestant holy rollers and their spiteful mockery of the teachings of Christ.

So, the pressure is off, at least within the boundaries of my own domain. That I haven't been forced by virtue of applied logic and common sense to give up the idea altogether that there might be SOMEthing greater than you and I at work in this universe, something benign, beautiful, that wishes us well, without condition, and not out to torture our essence in a pit of fire for being human, I am most thankful. To become resigned to atheism altogether would mean that THEY have won, and they haven't, and they are not going to.

Which brings me back to this brewing conflict over Christmas. Many retail establishments and secular institutions have over the past year begun to adopt a more inclusive, less focused strictly-on-Christianity approach to the season by referring to "the holidays" rather than simply "Christmas". I'm sure in their capitalistic mindset they only wanted to appeal to as many faiths as possible, who all have their own take on this time of year, such as the Jewish celebration of Hanukkah, etc. The term "holiday season" was never meant to slight the Christians, but rather to embrace everybody, because, let's get real here....they want EVERYbody's money!

Then came the Republican control of both the Congress and the White House, along with the growing power of right wing Christian fundamentalists in all things government. It started with the insistence that this is "one nation under God", that was established solely by Christians, and that we should be tacking the Ten Commandments onto every government building to show all those heretics whose God we worship around here. So now we have this ongoing battle to somehow maintain the separation of church and state, with the real possibility that this nation of ours could end up becoming a theocracy along the same lines as Iran or Saudi Arabia, the constitution be damned. Folks, as an American, that idea is scary enough. And if you don't think it could ever happen, consider that now these people are demanding quite loudly that retailers, and even George Bush's White House, put the term "Christmas" back in the forefront, getting rid of this reference to "the holidays". Under threat of boycotts, retailers are falling all over themselves acquiescing to their demands with promises to edit their advertising to make the term "Christmas" more prominent. Since this is George's last term, he may or may not give in, but hell, there's nothing he could do to save his presidency from historical ridicule anyway.

So, I have yet another reason to hate Christmas. This day was meant to celebrate the birth of a man who preached that "the meek shall inherit the Earth", that admonished his followers to "give onto Caesar those things which are Caesar's", and that "those who are without sin should cast the first stone". Hmmmm. I hear there's supposed to be a religion based on those teachings. I wonder what ever happened to THAT? I'm sure Bob knows. Maybe one day he'll let me in on that.........amongst other things.

Friday, December 09, 2005

THE Michael Jumps on the List Bandwagon yet again....

Fact Number One: It's spelled M i c h a E l, not M i c h E a l. And I never once saw it spelled any other way.

Fact Number Two: I was born on the 6th of July. It was foggy that week and the stork got held up in a holding pattern over Keesler A.F.B. So I was late, sue me.

Fact Number Three: At 17 I weighed 125 lbs. I weighed in at 142 when I graduated boot camp, after which I returned to 125 not having to march all day, exercise all day, and eat like crazy to keep up my strength. Today, at 50, I weigh 125 lbs, give or take 2 lbs on any given day. Girls, don't hate me cause I'm consistent.

Fact Number Four: I've always been short. Which means before to long I'm going to get even shorter. Which is OK with my wife as long as I can take care of business, if you know what I mean. At least I'm not getting any wider.

Fact Number Five: No one notices the grey in my hair unless I step into the light and point it out. If it wasn't for the grey in my beard, I'd look even younger. I still haven't figured out yet which is better, since neither one seems to have made any difference.

Fact Number Six: The neutral expression on my face could best be described as, putting it mildly, pissed. When emotion fires up the muscles in my face, my smile has been described as "wonderful". I'm sorry, but I can't afford the plastic surgery to have a smile installed on my face, so get over it. I AM smiling!

Fact Number Seven: I can rise straight up to my feet from sitting crosslegged with little effort at all. My wife couldn't if the house was on fire. Maybe it's a guy thing.

Fact Number Eight: I can't pretend that life is wonderful in this country or this world when it just flat isn't. People suffer mostly because in some fashion or another someone in power creates the conditions in which they suffer. I don't buy spin, I don't buy propaganda, and I sure as hell know when people are talking out of their ass. It's not my fault that too many people in this country are totally clueless, and it's sure as hell not my fault that they might not like me saying so. To bad.

Fact Number Nine: Half the time I don't think I deserve half of what little I have. But half the time I am damn thankful for what "little" I have because I have alot more than alot of people and I could easily lose it all at any time anyway.

Fact Number Ten: Buffalo has alot of smart ass things to say about me, but I will defend to the death his right to say it. Just like I know he would. Brothers in arms are like that, go figure.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Where's the Beef?! Why, right over there>>>> of course!

My fellow bloggers and others unfortunate enough to be dragged into this, a close personal friend of mine who under the threat of torture MIGHT admit to even knowing me brought it to my attention that my link list was rather lean. I do apologize and take full responsibility for this travesty. So, you will now notice that my link list has a few more links on it connecting you to the premiere bloggers of our day. All except Tim-Elvis. Why, you ask? It's not that I have anything against Tim, no, quite the contrary. You will even see his blog name listed there. Only problem is, when you click on that link, it will tell you that such a creature does not exist, and hopefully redirects you to sites which will prove to you the existence of Sasquatch, Nessy, and a clear and concise Bush administration foreign policy. It's not my fault. Seems that our esteemed Tim-Elvis, wanting to be different, I suppose, does not have a blogspot address to his site like any respectable blogger would. Thus, when I tried to type in all those weird symbols which conjure up strange websites or wipe your hard drive clean, all I came up with was repeated denials that what I was trying to do made no sense whatsoever, and would I please stop it before another chapter to the Patriot Act was created just to deal with miscreants like me. So, after noticing about half a dozen dark SUV's pulling up in front of Sandy Acre and pointing electronic eavesdropping thingies at my humble abode, I decided to quit trying and wait until someone with a degree in electronic propaganda could explain to me which T I forgot to cross. Tim, you brought this on myself, I hope you're happy........

Too Late, It's Already Happened

Oh, the humanity! Somewhere over my location in the upper atmosphere, molecules of hydrogen and oxygen are somehow being forced together in just the right combination to, my god, how do I say form water! And it's not that wispy white stuff that floats around in the sky, no my friends, it's forming into actual DROPS and falling from the sky! It's everywhere! I can hear these horrible chemical bombs impacting my roof as I type. If you read this, tell the world! It could be spreading even now! The ground outside is actually saturated with the stuff! The weather people tried to warn us, but did we listen? Noooooooo! We in our arrogance dismissed the whole silly idea, "there's no such things as condensation..." Idiots! My porch is actually coated with water! Pray for me, my fellow humans; I will hang on here as long as I can...........

Now that I have gotten THE Michael's overly dramatic weather report out of the way, it's time to get to the meat of the matter. Did you know that on this day, December 8th..........

Having been shown in no uncertain terms the previous day that Imperial Japan actually DID possess weapons of mass destruction, President Franklin D. Roosevelt thought it would be a good idea to take the focus off our intelligence failures by declaring war on Japan.

The Chinese Nationalists, having lost too many ping pong games to the Communists, take their paddles and retire to the island of Taiwan.

President Richard Nixon finally admitted to having an exit strategy from Vietnam, which consisted of training the South Vietnamese to take responsibility for their own security. I think we all know how well THAT went......

Humorist James Thurber is born, author of "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". He wrote some other things too, but who cares.

Jeanette Rankin, first woman to be elected to congress, casts the lone dissenting vote against the declaration of war against Japan. This was a repeat performance of her vote against war in WWI. Two years later, actually convinced that her vote had killed any chance of winning reelection, she retired from political office, returning to her home-state of Montana, where she took up the cause of the state's oppressed cattle population, to no avail.

Mark David Chapman murders John Lenon outside his apartment building in New York, proving once and for all that "The Catcher in the Rye" should be banned from all the nation's libraries. This also demonstrated what happens when you listen to Beatles tapes at the wrong speed.

On this day the Toyota Motor Company received permission from the Allied Occupation Government to start production of buses and trucks........a day that shall live in infamy.

And.......Soon to be dead President Abraham Lincoln issues his Proclamation of Amnesty and Reconstruction, failing to address the issue of who was going to do all the work for Southerners now that the black folks, now second class citizens, were all moving to Detroit to cut record deals as soon as the record was invented.

What, you guys didn't know all this? Well, that's why I, THE Michael, is here. Now you do.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Yet ANOTHER Day in the Life of THE Michael

Ahhhh....what to post? This statement is fair warning of what's to come. I'm starting off with a blank brain, which means even as I type this sentence, my cerebral cortex is frantically attempting to fire off the right neurons in the proper order, which is sure to doom the content of this post. However, since past performance is no guarantee of future brilliance, I would not get my hopes up if I were you, already salivating at the prospect that this introduction I have crafted is going to lead you into an epiphany. Already I am being hindered by a sense of overwhelming foreboding and utter hopelessness, so I will stop this now and take a nice hot bath with the witch, I mean the wife. Hopefully I will return with a refreshed psyche and the usual inspiration to save this post from the annals of mediocrity.

Ok, I'm back, but the wife has maneuvered me into grilling the chicken, so you're just going to have to wait in breathless anticipation for the award winning post you are about to be blessed with.

A brief reprieve; the grill plates for the chicken masher and burner had to be washed, so I have some time to continue with this.......
Suddenly I'm picturing a certain author writing, "It was the best of times, it was the......", when suddenly behind him, "Honey, will you come and kill this roach on the ceiling?!" Please tell me he was married and had to struggle thru the same interference I am right now........

Today both the wife and I had the day off, so........oh crap, it suddenly occurred to me that the goats are still tied out in the front yard......I'll be right back.

Good thing I reminded me that they were still out there; poor things were all tangled up as only goats know how to do and it was beginning to drizzle. These are the kinds of rains that happen only because you fine folks up north send waves of your cold air down our way into our nice warm air producing rain. Boy, this J.W. Dundee's Original Honey Brown honey flavored lager sure is good. Where was I?

As I was.......damn, what WAS I saying? Oh, you guys I'm sure have partaken of the occasional off-the-wall distraction such as The Rocky Horror Picture Show and other cult mind fucks, well, just on a lark, I rented, ala Netflix, the cult not-so-classic, Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I expected something so avant-garde I would hit the stop button within 5 minutes, but both of us were so spell bound from the get-go we didn't even take very many potty breaks. Now, I'm not exactly a connoisseur of fine homocentric musicals, but having evolved beyond redneck stage I easily followed the story line and was downright effected by the music and lyrics in this movie. There is one song, "The Origin of Love", that flat can only be described as beautiful, even if it was sung by a failed transsexual East German Goth cum comedian with downright awful wigs. Trust me on this, just about anybody that tends to get thru my blog without going "Huh?" would enjoy the hell out of this movie, except maybe for Buffalo, who would probably take the whole movie personally and go after anybody even remotely connected to filming it. But then again, I could be wrong.

Somebody made the observation that I and one other, or was that two, bloggers have this remarkable ability to blog about absolutely nothing. This is not an original concept, I'm afraid, for Jerry Seinfield and his gang of morally corrupt but otherwise lovable friends beat us all to that. However, you must understand that since we are not privy to anything earth-shattering on the world stage other than what we glean off of television, radio, and internet, anything we might report to you is already second hand news, analyzed to death by teams of experts that are actually paid to explain things to us on the assumption that we do not, as common citizens, understand the ramifications of presidential blow jobs. However, as common folk, we do have a unique insight into the day-to-day things that happen around us that most people take so utterly for granted that they have long past filed such occurrences away with breathing, farting, and shopping at Walmart. We, as amateur pontificators of the obvious but invisible, craftily take these common occurrences and dress them up like a republican tax cut and present them to you as something they never were and never, ever should be seen as. It takes balls to do this, folks, because as you well know, we risk being accused of wasting your time with posts that, like she said, amount to absolutely nothing.

Well, let me tell you, my wife has already made numerous attempts to distract me away from writing this, under the guise of wanting attention from me, when, in reality, she actually DOES want more attention from me. My fellow Americans and Iranians, Chinese, and North Korean citizens risking death by accessing the internet, I am not about to be nagged into denying you, my readers, the kind of outstanding faux literature that you, the fantastic fans of MM&M have come to expect! Nope, she might not appreciate the fact that my fingertips right now are stroking this keyboard and not HER, but I will defend to my DEATH my right to blog, so help me BOB!

By now, it has occurred to you, dear readers, that this follow up to that last blog that drew such acclaim in no way measures up to the previous. I hate to be the one to tell you this, if you don't already know, but sequels rarely approach the genius of the original. Yes, I know, Harry Potter is avoiding this pitfall, but then again, Rawlings is either a witch or has a pact with the devil, that is, if she believes in him, and if not, then I'm sure it must be THE Donald. So, I hereby avoid any responsibility for having disappointed you, in much the same way the American public has avoided responsibility for voting the way they do.

Any minute now, the dishwasher is going to complete it's cycle and force me to leave this keyboard again, so I might as well end your suffering. I know you cannot force yourself to stop reading this while you're ahead, so I will end it for you, cause I'm that kind of guy, THE Michael, that lovable miscreant you have all come to love, admire, and wish would please, please, stop writing before you plunge that steak knife into your eyeball. And, to quote another famous personality who actually does something worthwhile with his blog, "THAT would be a BAD thing."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


My last post was met with such acclaim and rave reviews that I have had to deal with it through the power of paranoia, i.e. that some evil organization or teenage hacker gained access to my fan base and is perpetrating some cruel hoax on me, i.e. that what I wrote in a moment of sheer emptiness morphing into literary genius lapsing into utter mediocrity was mistaken for an improvement over my otherwise questionable, albeit now legendary, ability to mimic legibility, understanding, and coherence. However, on the off-chance that these comments actually originated with those peers I know and love so well, whom I shall dub "the academy", I would like to thank my Mother, who got me off to a great start thru no fault of her own, my Dad, whose absence made all this possible, my dear Wife, who's tolerance and faux understanding has driven me to write, and my Dog, who's devotion and loyalty has perhaps contributed most to my overall self esteem and mental well being. I would also like to thank my agent, who is out there somewhere searching for great material to publish and should stumble across this by accident one day, and will charge me 10% for the privilege, my accountant, who will charge me another 15%, and the IRS, who will take the rest. And last, but certainly not least, I would like to thank my fantastic writing team, me, myself, and I, who although constantly bicker and fight for their proper share of recognition, have been instrumental in the monumental success of MM&M, due to a tragic misdiagnosis of my condition by some of this country's most renowned mental health experts.
Now that I have subjected you to the above diatribe with such glee, I hereby reward you with the results of the Contest as tabulated by Dewey, Cheatem, and Howl, INC. After much consideration, the award for the most objects placed on top of other objects contest......oh, here we go......the award for the most believable number of BLOGGER verification words goes to.......drumroll please.............


Not only did Tim come up with more words than anyone else, as I fully expected him to, he also provided insightful and well thought out definitions, including how such words would be used in a sentence. And, as a bonus, which was totally unnecessary and actually cutting edge, he also assisted LIghts-in-the-Wake with HIS words, selflessly risking losing the contest to a pathetic pretender. Such brilliance is rare within the pages of the comments to this blog, as you all well know from having to read it. Thus, I hereby award him the prize of having our new language named in his honor. And, I hereby announce a new contest, in which you will have the opportunity to suggest how to morph Tim's name into the name of a whole new language which will rival English and Tierra-Del-Fuegan as the new international language. I would suggest something like TIMMISH, which robs all of you of a suggestion, but to bad, it's MY contest. Hell, I might even consider halting the contest right now and awarding myself the prize and get it over with.

Naw, what fun what THAT be? Anyway, I would like to thank you all for your participation. I know you have much more valuable things to do with your time, like plotting world domination, cheating on your taxes, and writing your own blogs which will see the light of a publishing day long before mine even begins to wither and mold. Ah, but I know that when you get those spots on Letterman and Leno, you'll all muse about that one blogger down there in bumfuck Florida who inspired you to become the best selling authors which you will all one day be, even that crusty old Buffalo, who shall become the Hemingway of the new century, despite his love of rum, mongrel dogs, and Hogs. Or perhaps because of it.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


.......I forgot all about the contest! Thanks to Morningstar for pulling my head out of my ass! OK, gang, like I promised last week, today you get to submit your collected verification code words for consideration as the basis for a new blogger based language! Remember, you cannot have added any more than one free vowel to make it pronounceable. Submit your "words" along with a suggested translation, definition for each one in your comment to this post. Like I said, the one with the most CONVINCING words that appear to have been created according to the rules of the contest will have this new language named after them. All employees of Madness, Musings, OR Melancholy , as well as family members are ineligible to participate in this contest. Second, third, and fourth prizes will be determined at a later date, not to include anything of real value to anyone accept formosan termites. Profane words will be thrown out, even if they appear innocent. Innocent words will be accepted, providing the do not appear profane or can be twisted by Tim-Elvis or LIghts for such nefarious purposes. All legal fine print can be located on page 57 of this post. MM&M is not responsible for the number of pages this post occupies. Void where prohibited, unless you otherwise think your rights would be violated, in which case you are free to ignore any prohibitions, especially if said prohibitions were drafted by republicans. Buffalo is singled out to exclude just to piss him off. If Buffalo does not care one way or the other, then said exclusion is hereby voided. Shandi is free to use this new language to talk to Teri at bars to talk about hot guys without them knowing it as long as they don't claim credit for it, unless one of them wins the contest, of course. Since this is a blogger based contest, I hereby declare that is wholly responsible for this content. Any contestant who brings this to the attention of is declared ineligible to participate in any more contests, unless the ensuing lawsuit is won by MM&M, in which said contestant will share a percentage of the proceeds to spend on any timeshare that MM&M markets with the windfall. Did I say void where prohibited?

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your submissions, and good luck!

P.S. Don't let this exciting post detract you from reading the one I did earlier today.

Another Day in the Mind of THE Michael

Ah, what to post. Sometimes I'm sitting in front of this beast not having the foggiest idea what to throw at it. No, something solid is out of the question, so don't even suggest it. I now find myself in the grips of an addiction or allegiance to a number of things; sex, cigarettes, wine, blogging, and mental wanderlust, and not in any particular order. All lend their own flavor of pleasure or pain, or a combination thereof. So, here I am, a coffin nail burning, a glass of something alcoholic on the desk, glancing at my wife with lust in my heart, while crafting a post I hope will grace the eyes of my readers favorably. The tobacco and the honey lager are easing the pressure somewhat, but not entirely. The fate of this blog hangs on the tips of these fingers. Ah, fuck it, I'm going to watch a movie, and if I don't haul my woman straight to bed afterwards, I might return to this tonight and attempt to get to some point.

Next day....I guess you can figure how last night ended. Let's just say that full body back massage she needed evolved. We slept well.
Publix, Walmart, a swing by to dump off old Christmas ornamentation at the Salvation Army store, then back to the estate. Washing clothes, dishes, changing the sheets, sweeping, another effort to tidy up a house that refuses to stay tidied. Plus, the wife has ongoing Wiccan related projects going that she draws me into in one way or another. I took care of the goat barn bedding yesterday, so they're taken care of. I just might actually get something down between all these distractions.

One of my loyal readers last night asked if one had be a Wiccan to believe in and appreciate the power of the Moon. Of course not. Bob himself isn't all that big on ceremony. Which is not to say that tradition, ceremony, you name it does not have value in the affairs of humans. Traditions are good in that they provide communities of people with a bedrock, tried and true place to start from, to hold onto as things change and evolve around them. The only mistake I can see in holding to tradition is sometimes we avoid adopting something better, content to stew in something we are familiar with. The big mistake I see in ignoring tradition altogether is you end up lost, ignoring those things which have proven worth while screwing everything up in pursuit of the newfangled and different, simply for it's own sake.Agriculture is one of those traditions that have proven that some things are better the less you mess with it. Yes, the American midwestern farmer used the power of chemistry and mechanics to increase yields from a given acre of land, but look what's happening to that land. Organic farmers have found that if you limit your yield to the natural ability of an acre of land to produce, you end up with a constantly renewable resource that produces healthier, better tasting, not to mention safer crops. Throwing artificial fertilizers and pesticides at your land year after year with no rest between seasons simply burns it out and you end up with another chunk of ruined cropland good only for more suburbs. As for the Amish, they eschew plenty of modern tech happy to rely on simpler methods of accomplishing things, but they remain frozen in place in their effort to live according to what they believe their good book tells them. Well, there are many ways to adopt high tech without turning your home, your community into a soulless, artificial land bereft of nature. Solar electricity and heating are one example. Harnessing the wind has always been an option. But what really galls me is our tendency to promote two separate types of living; either crammed together in close quarters in as little square footage as possible, stacked on top of each other, or small families living in incredibly large houses that far exceeds any elbow space these individuals really need, not to mention the energy needs such structures have. I found the best of both worlds.....I live in a double wide manufactured home that is handsome, has twice to three times the amount of square footage that the apartments we lived in before had, yet is modest as housing goes, no more or less room then one needs to feel comfortable. I live on an acre of land that keeps a reasonable distance between my four walls and those of my neighbors, with room for gardens and sheds, the septic system, or just room to walk around. And all this cost less than a third or even fourth of the house going up in these close-quarter suburbs all around us, with their 5th of an acre, just enough to put the house on, with all the trees in the area cleared out, leaving no shade from the hot Florida sun. Sometimes I think the very nature of where many Americans live just adds to the stress level.

Wow, it appears my muse has not abandoned me after all. Matter of fact, I'm on a roll. "Prairie Home Companion" is playing in the background, the wife is outside painting concrete stepping stones for the shade garden, and life is good. I took a gander at Shandi's blog and met with another one of her hilarious "painting under the influence" sessions. She reminds me so much of my Mom, with a twist. I truly wish she lived nearby. Buffalo was bemoaning his mechanical aptitude again, and I know his pain. There was a time I could figure out how to make many of those things under the hood of a car either work right or outright replace it. Nowadays, venturing much further than changing the oil, the brake pads, or wiper fluid is an exercise in futility, since everything now seems to be hooked up to some computer hidden away where no one could find it, and you wouldn't know what to do with it if you DID find it. Tim-Elvis has shared his own twisted version of Christmas with us, which is both harmless and uplifting in these days of cookie cutter made in china holiday trimmings. Morningstar, my masochistic little subbie friend, is really into the holiday spirit, come hell or high water! I salute her determination. Teri has dared to suggest that she's to busy lately to post often, which is going to earn her 50 demerits if she doesn't get her ass in gear and post less infrequently. Lights in the wake has somehow overcome his brush with the angel of gambling addiction, yet he has yet to redirect the money he seemed more than willing to part with in the name of chance to his good friends who care so deeply for his well being. There are many more characters in our blogging community, loosely connected thru a tangled web of links, that have kept me entertained and in touch with what people are REALLY thinking, than I have time or room to mention. And yes, George, they are almost all universal in their intense, if not outright maniacal, distaste for having to have to admit that you are our president.