I want to thank my Brother in tragedy, hope, halarity and indiference, Buffalo, for his kind responses to my comments on his blog. It would be a much better world for all of us if we men, hardass bastards as we insist on being, could step down off our high horses and admit to each other how human we all are, that we hurt, we cry, we need, we want, we desire, we screw up, and despite everything, are actually great people to know once we've given each other that barely perceptable nod of respect we demand of each other. We are all children who are never going to grow up, no matter what you do to us or for us, so get over it, and let us act like men when we're sober enough to do so. All you have to do is watch the playpen on Capital Hill to get the gist of what I'm talking about. Thanks, Bro, I may never meet you, but I know all I need to.
Moving on.......the wife is getting all spiritual on me, which, relax, is a good thing. She's gotten in touch with her spirit guide, weaves a knowing out of coincidence, and pities me for not being more sensitive to my psychic side. Now, don't get me wrong, I am rooting for her. Hell, I've always WANTED there to be UFO's, I just can't claim to have seen one. I would be greatly relieved to be met with that tunnel of light when the ciggarettes finally claim me, rather than a pit of eternal regrets. I really am an open minded individual, I just also happen to be a skeptic. I believe in what I can see, touch, feel, especially when it comes after me when I'm just minding my own business. Yea, I could easily be an atheist, if I hadn't hiked thru Denali National Park, swam in the waters of the Virgin isles, dodged a few soviet depth charges, seen the discovery channel, or had a woman love me despite knowing me. So, if she tells me things are going to be OK, because her dreams tell her so, I'm going with the dreams, even if I have no idea how the hell I'm coming up with money for this next bill. Our asses have been pulled out of the fire just in the nic of time to many times already for me to believe otherwise.
And one last thing. I finally discovered the best song ever performed, period. I have rather eclectic tastes, having heard it all since Chubby Checker, and yes, I know that Clapton was God, I actually DID get Pink Floyd, and I admit to humming bubble gum when I'm not paying attention, and I know that the end began when the Beatles broke up. If you are looking at 50 and have been paying attention, to EVERYTHING, lately, you know damn well what I mean. Anyway, the song I speak of I wish I could play right here in this blog. It's "Somewhere over the rainbow/It's a beautifull world" by this humongous obese Hawaian who's name I can't remember off hand and couldn't pronounce anyway. The thing about this song, in a nutshell, is that you would have to be one cold, pathelogically indifferent, and lacking in depth individual NOT to be effected by it in some fashion or another. It has the power to reach deep inside you and pull out whatever makes you weep or laugh, which you WILL do, even if you have to wait for everybody to leave before you secumb. It's not the lyrics, which everybody in the world has heard over and over again, it's the words AND the melody, which this remarkable artist was allowed to give to us before the fat killed him. I'm glad he was here.....I just wish he still was.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Well, surprise, surprise, I commented on something this guy called Buffalo wrote, something that reminded me of a jaded period in my life, and he actually linked to me and commented back. No, I fully realize I am far from the big time blog-wise, but progress, arguably, is progress. When you're days are consumed by your own personal terrors, regrets, dreams and near-misses, sometimes a glimpse across that void separating you from the world at large can have a calming effect, just knowing that other lives are being lived out there far better AND far worse than your own. Not much of what I write is bullshit, and I hope most of what I'm reading isn't either, but I do know one thing, I think we are ALL much better off WITH each other, in one way or another, than without. Even, God bless em, our own personal taliban, the republicans.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Sigh, I have been pouring over alot of blogs today. Excellent blogs. Blogs chock full of interesting content. Blogs with lots of pictures. Blogs written by intelligent people saying intelligent things. I am humbled. I used to think of myself as an intellectual, of the self made type, that is. My intellect is miniscule compared to even some these 17 year old bloggers I have been reading. Well, fine, I will just have to take my place down around rung 69 on the evolutionary scale and be damn happy I can climb that far. Now, if I can harness this supreme intelligence I claim to have and figure out how to insert pics, links, and other interesting things into my own blog, perhaps I can climb a few more rungs and perhaps get to rung 77. Then I can feel superior over the other 76. Naw.......it won't make me superior, just able to insert pics, links, and other interesting things into a blog. Perhaps if I work on my writings skills..........
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Well, so far, so good. One comment, period. Since I am so blog-challenged, I have no earthly idea how to insert one of those counter thingies, thus I have no idea if more than one person has even read my blogs. Oh well, such is life. I've been reading alot of other blogs lately and although most are juvenile yapping about nothing at all, there are quite a few well written ones that make mine seem somewhat lacking in interest. Most of these stories seem manufactured, the kind of things that do not happen to ordinary people, but they might very well be true, as fact often makes fiction seem pitiful. Lord knows my circumstances could bore a termite. However, I must admit that I have made no honest effort to glean the solid gold moments from my day to day that surely must be there if one were paying attention. Thus, reader, I promise to you from this moment on, I shall provide you with SOMETHING worth commenting on, even if I have to step out of the safety of common sense and MAKE something happen worth the keystrokes it would take to report on it. Stay tuned.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Well, damn, I've gone and done it again. I've had a few nasty muscle strains this year, but in my shoulder area. Today my lower back gets it. That's what happens when you make a living pulling heavy, sick people around in beds at my age. So here I am, at home, ice on my back, on pain killers and muscle relaxers. I am really getting to old for this shit. It usually happens the morning of the first day back at work after I've been off for two or more days. Since I haven't been very physical around the house lately, I guess I get all tight and bingo, something has to give when I have to use these muscles again. Well, it could be worse. I could have had a job where I sit around on my fat ass all day gaining weight, getting obese, getting admitted to the critical care unit, and causing some other poor slob to injure their back trying to pull my big fat ass up in bed. So, my friends, if you think that stuffing your face with anything you can get your hands on all day is simply your own business and no one else's, think again. You're making my job downright painful!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
There's a lot to be said for self esteem, and not much of it good. Self esteem is that monkey on your back that crawls on at birth and dogs you to your dying day. And what good is it? I've come to that point in my life where I have decided to dump it altogether in favor of benign self-awareness, which is much less complicated, time consuming, and damaging to one's overall psyche. Am I everything I ever wanted to be? Hell no. Am I anywhere near where I wanted to be by now? Don't make me laugh. But so what. Read the trials and tribulations of most every famous person you've heard of and they have complaints. To much sex, drugs, rock and roll, money, fame, fortune, whatever, and they discovered (gasp) it didn't accomplish much for them in the overall scheme of things. It gets to the point that sooner or later, you are either happy with life or you aren't. There will always be something you wish you had done or not done, you will always question your relevance in the grand design, and you will always come up short of rock solid answers, but once you discover the power of not really giving a shit and just accepting that living, breathing, loving..........hell, just existing in a moment when the hammer of fate isn't dealing you yet another nasty blow is a plus, so you might as well enjoy it. Watch a sunset. You might discover it's a pretty damn awesome sight if you can just allow yourself the pleasure of it. Vent your outrage against injustice or whatever in a blog. It's therapeutic, even if it has no discernible impact on the world. And just lose this whole angst thing; nobody really gives a damn. And if you happen to be lucky enough to be living in very close proximity to another human being that has decided that living with you, tolerating you, conversing with you and listening to you, and trusting you is more of a blast than a task, then consider that perhaps that's all the happiness you need, whether you believe you are worthy of it or not. So fuck you, self esteem, I'm here, at least for now, with or without you, and it's all good.