Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Epic announcements and other such nonesense......

Well, let's see, what can I come up with tonight? The news was pretty interesting. Pakistan has announced a deal with the Taliban, Al Quida, and any other terrorist miscreant who can agree to behave themselves, by resting comfortably in a remote and so-far unsuppressed mountainous region between Government controlled Pakistan and Afghanistan. It's a sort of "we'll quit coming after you and getting killed doing so if you'll agree not to keep killing us for trying to bring you to justice and establish the rule of law in our own sovereign territory", kind of understanding. Wow, is that a deal or what? I'm sure Dubya will come up with some good-old-boy euphemisms to explain to us, the victims of the worst terrorist attack in history, why our partners in the war on terror really know how to fight terrorism. No, folks, I'm not kidding, this was on the news tonight. Really. I swear to Bob.

In other news, NASA has introduced the winner of the new, state of the art manned mission vehicle that will take us to the moon, and who knows, maybe even back again. Utilizing everything we've learned since the Apollo moon missions, shuttle technology, and advanced materials and electronics advances, we have...........Apollo. Yep. The exact, in most respects, same vehicle. One big cone-shaped capsule on top of big tanks of rocket fuel. Only THIS time (get this, it's good), the capsule will land not in the ocean, but on DRY LAND! That's right, folks, having watched the Russians land their spheres on the tundra with the assistance of air bags and/or thruster brakes, NASA has decided to forego the expense and relative softer landing in the ocean in favor of just dropping them right back where they started, saving all that jet fuel from out West hauling the craft on a 747. And, apparently instead of making it out of aluminum foil, only good for one shot, they will make it out of HEAVY DUTY aluminum foil, good for at least several more hauls back to the moon. Don't you just love advanced research and development? The Starship Enterprise is JUST around the corner folks! Just try finding that corner.....Oh, but there WILL be significant advances on the moon buggy we'll use to scoot around the moon. Same go-cart, except THIS baby will have air-bags, anti-lock brakes, and cup holders, not to mention an iPod adaptor on the dash board.

We watched Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome, last night. My take on that movie requires a whole post, so stay tuned.

My friend HE just had an excellent post concerning everybody's chance to be a star, thanks to the blogoverse. Which segways me into my announcement.......

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now famous. Yes, I, THE Michael, have embraced my fame and am running full-tilt boogie with it! WHAT, might you ask, makes me think I am in any shape or form worthy of fame? Hell, that one's easy! I said so. Just like someone somewhere, it might even have been her, hell, I don't know, declared that Paris Hilton was famous. Without even mentioning why, exactly. Because she was rich? An heiress? Skinny? And downright dimwitted? Who knows; it doesn't seem to matter. There she is. Well, so am I! Here, that is. Only I am introducing a kinder, gentler sort of fame, much more energy efficient and far less arrogant. Nope, I will not be making the rounds of all the talk shows, jumping up and down on couches like a monkey, having my mug plastered on the sides of billboards or buses, or even starring in an action packed special effects extravaganza concerning aliens or penguins. All I'm going to do is rest here on my laurels, comfortable in the knowledge that for no logical reason whatsoever, the word of my sudden fame will sweep the net like wildfire, as one blogger passes on the exciting news to the next, then the next, and so on. But, relax, my fans, this will be an easy idolatry. You won't have to rush out to buy a "THE Michael" action figure for the kids, or a lunch box or backpack with my picture on it, nor will you have to suffer the embarrassment of sneaking peeks thru the National Enquirer or other gossip rag while in the supermarket check-out counter to find out what fatal disease I am suffering from at the moment. You won't have to download my custom ring-tone, buy an autographed "The Michael" iPod or Razor cell phone, nor will you have to vote for me by text messaging BLOGSTAR SUPERDANCES. All you'll have to do, and you don't even HAVE to do it, it will just occur naturally like a stupid song that gets stuck in your head, is know THE Michael as someone who is famous for something or another, without having to explain why (just like Paris). Now, wasn't that easy? Never let it be said that THE Michael asked more of his fans than they were willing to give! In return for you love, loyalty, and support, I will do what I have always done, which is nothing more than being "THE Michael", whatever that might happen to mean to you.

P.S. I already have you covered, guys! Please send all hate-mail to theoprawinfreyshow@harpo.com. As my newfound publicist, she'd LOVE to hear from you!


Buffalo said...

Any chance of an autographed picture?

Homo Escapeons said...

You are a Star!

I have to ask...Why on earth hasn't Karl Rove called you to find out how to exit the Middle East?? HUH? Can't the CIA launch and redirect a couple of North Korean Nukes over to Afghanistan? What do they do with all of that money?

btw I just read Historian Niall Ferguson's review of how history will look back at the present state of affairs in this weeks TIME. Apparently it is all going to work out and 911 will be about as relevent to our grandkids as the Hiddenburg exploding?!

The American Century will continue and everything will be ticketyboo.
Michael you are a damn fine futurist..how do you see the Dubya Years being examined with 20/20 HINDsight.

Mad Mel. Ironic that his new movie is titled Apocalyptica...my guess is that Mel and Cruise will be fighting over the centre square next year...Mel in what state would you find the largest concentration of Jews..in what state?

Just kidding..people have very short memories and I don't want to mess up my chances of getting a walkon in his next Mad Max movie Apologisica;
Thunderdome Schmunderdome!

darlingina said...

You are what You are Sir Michael, and that would be a BlogStar. :) And i'm honored to have come to know You.
Love & Peace, ~gina~

The Michael said...

I want to thank you, my loyal fans, for responding so warmly to my announcement.

Tim, sorry, but autographed pictures waste energy, and I'm not about to get sued for assault by sending you one.

HE, my equally famous friend, in hindsight, we will all gather around in our wheelchairs and say things like, "Yep, I was there, back when the good ole US of A lost it's goddamn mind for eight straight years and damn near imploded!" Then we'll roll out into the alley and lay in wait to mug some passerby for our rent money.

Gina, thank you. If you were my only fan I'd die happy.