A Month of Madness

Ah, the Yuletide season! That month of madness that turns otherwise normal human beings into rude, uptight, conniving, desperate shoppers who will go to any length to get their grubby fingers on the latest, most popular, scarce, or expensive gift for their loved ones, or even for people they don't particularly like. So, tell me, have you been one of those people who que up in front of Walmart or some MegaMonster outlet, or some hoity-toity Department store, waiting amongst the hundreds of hungry shoppers for the door to open, after which the pushing and shoving, falling and getting trampled underfoot will commence? If you have, please, please tell me.......

WTF were you THINKING?

Now really, you must realize by now that alot of us out here watch this madness on the evening news and shake our heads in amazement. There is a whole month in this season, which is getting longer every year, for you to thoughtfully go out and find gifts that might actually mean something other than "Aren't I special, I spent alot of money on you buying this gift, don't you just love me?" OK, so in the spirit of the season you threw money at somebody rather than making the effort to craft something with your own hands and imaginations, or you thought that your kids would be irreparably harmed if you didn't get them that X-Box 360 or that model monster truck for them. The marketing people really love you guys, they really do. A holiday that was hijacked by the christians to celebrate the birth of a really cool dude which has since morphed into an excuse to go into debt in this shallow, guilt ridden capitalist free-for-all has strayed so far from it's origins it bears no resemblance to a time of year many of us older folks used to remember with fondness. Instead, it's that time of year that more and more are beginning to dread and can't wait for to be over with.

Even the venerable christmas tree is fast becoming a laughable imitation of it's former glory. We used to all head out to the woods to chop down some unfortunate cone shaped tree that happened to have grown to the right proportion at the wrong time. Now, we have these plastic, metal, prewired with lights that rotate and blink contraptions that are a pain to set up and impossible to get back into the box. And lets not overlook the light shows we compete with our neighbors with. They say that this year's heating bills are going to cause people to go into convulsions when they open them, but still I bet you the whole North American Continent will be visible from mars on a clear night once all these light shows on our lawns and houses get lit up. Think the cost of all that electricity doesn't add up? But at least we'll have that 5000 watt santa and reindeer display on the roof to lend us comfort on these cold nights.

Yes, I knew undertaking this spin on the holidays would rankle many of you, who truly enjoy this time of year. I just hope you are enjoying it for the right reasons, either for it's religious underpinnings, or for the gatherings of family and friends in the spirit of SHARING, not just spending. Jesus, if he actually had stuck around in spirit, would have long disowned this supposed celebration of his birth, which wasn't even on the day we celebrate it, and I'm sure he would have had a few things to say on this Santa character honing in on his party. And Santa? He's up there at the North Pole wallowing in self pity having been turned into a corporate shill for the likes of Walmart and Macy's, his reindeer long having been turned into sausage, their jobs having been taken over by FedEX and UPS. The elves? They are being retrained to take customer service calls for Dell, Hewlett Puckered, and LL Bean. The post office no longer delivers letters from boys and girls, as e-mail has become the plea medium of choice, now being routed to subcontractors to answer, said contractors being the very people who clog up your mailboxes with spam.

So yes, I am the big evil grinch raining on your Christmas parade. I'm the incredulous one watching you guys punch each other out or trample little old ladies in your mad rush to nab that cheap laptop computer, on sale while supplies last. I'm the one who is grateful the wife spent all year picking up unique little items for presents so that we don't have to skip the mortgage or car payments in order not to appear cheap (which we are, living from paycheck to paycheck). I'm the one who believes that even children are having a hard time appreciating christmas the way we did in years past, since these days they can get their video games and skateboards any day of the year if they nag their parents enough. I'm the one who dreads getting in my car, knowing I'll have to crawl thru traffic jams created by the festive atmosphere to get anywhere, even just the grocery store. I'm the one who has had his fill of the whole damn fiasco and if this offends you, then rush out and do some more shopping, I'm sure it will make you feel better.