The Michael's Predictions for 2006

On this, the last day of the year of our......ah......Bob, 2005, I hereby grace you with my predictions for the coming year. This is not Jeanne Dixon pap, my friends, nosiree! These predictions are researched, argued, debated, collated, indexed, filed away, recovered, shredded, pieced back together, then leaked by high level officials of something or another whose identities must never be revealed, unless a great time to cash in comes up, so you know you can trust me on these. So, sit back, let your eyes soak it all in, and enjoy. If any of this actually happens, don't blame me, I can always claim I just made it all up.

Legislation will finally be passed which puts paid lobbyists out of business for good. A crisis in government will erupt as senators and legislators resign in droves, claiming financial hardship, and Washington becomes a ghost town. President.....oh, I'm sorry....VICE President Cheney, from an undisclosed location, will issue a plea for anyone wishing to earn an honest living to run for congress. The Republican National Committee will apply for bankruptcy, only to discover they can't due to the new bankruptcy laws their lobbyists "talked" them into passing.

Designer gas cans will become all the rage amongst rich SUV owners scrounging for scarce gasoline that no one else can afford. Detroit will recover building cars to trade to the Chinese for bicycles. Road rage will take on a whole new flavor.

An entirely new genre of Christianity will begin to take hold, called "born-again, then born again" Christianity. Christians, having discovered they haven't been acting very Christian, will re-baptize themselves and actually start acting as though they really get what Christ was trying to tell them for centuries. Hate crimes will drop dramatically.

Two scientists in Brooklyn, N.Y. will announce the first successful cloning of an extinct passenger pigeon. The pigeon will escape it's cage and be shot out of the sky by a duckhunter in the Midwest.

Elizabeth will resign the throne, admitting that the whole idea of Kings and Queens in the 21st century was silly to begin with. Distraught Englishmen will turn on paparazzi for making life so uncomfortable for royalty. Monty Python will buy Windsor Castle and hire peasants to oppress. King Author will return from Avalon thinking England once again needs him, discovering otherwise, and return disgusted with the whole thing, vowing never to return without a six figure contract.

Iraqi Sunni's and Shiites will kiss and make up while squadrons of Iranian Pigs fly overhead in the missing pig formation.

Hell will give up on the idea of freezing over once and for all, thanks to global warming.

Evian will announce the first designer bottled air for sale as the free stuff starts to thin out due to the deforestation of the Amazon Rain Forest. Shortly thereafter, emergency room admissions will increase as people begin breathing to much Red Bull Energy Air.

2006 will be warmer than 2005. Exactly how much and what that does will not be acknowledged by the Bush Administration.

Home insurance will become outright unaffordable in hurricane alley, prompting the mortgage companies to adopt a "build at your own risk" policy, or go out of business altogether. Bankruptcies will skyrocket, regardless of the new rules.

Economists will admit they put the decimal point in the wrong place, and revise their inflation figures to reflect the actual 10% increase that occurred last year due to rising energy and food costs. Inflation will continue to jump as it all piles on.

More and more people will flock to MM&M to learn what's really going on, having heard THE Michael doesn't sugar-coat, spin, or otherwise outright screw around with the truth. The NSA will monitor him closely, and the Bush Administration will arrange to have his DSL disconnected. People will then go "Oh well......" and go back to living their lives in ignorant bliss.

The Buffalo will ink a multi-million dollar book deal, which will quickly become a blockbuster movie, and a motley crew of bloggers will tour the talk show circuit claiming to know him personally. Hairdressers all over Los Angeles will be pointing at their TV's excitedly watching The Buffalo testify at a Senate hearing that "I never permed that woman's hair!".

Tim Elvis will start his own podcast from Las Vegas, where he will gain weight, become addicted to Red Bull Energy Air, and be found comatose in a pink sequined jump suit, with 15 Power Macs running photoshop full tilt boogie, overheating the penthouse suite in Caesar's Palace from which he blogs.

Lights in the Wake will run for congress, hoping to make an honest living.

Shandi will become a famous talk radio celebrity on NPR radio, due more to that sexy voice of hers than anything.

Teri will prove once and for all to the entire world that she is anything but timid, the details of which I will not disclose here.



The Michael will end the year no more famous or relevant than when he started.