The Menu of the Beast

Hello, and welcome to ACME Services incorporated. We truly care about our customers and wish to provide the best customer service possible. In order to best serve your needs, please enter your account number followed by the pound key, the star key, the numbers 666, and the square of your age divided by the third prime number in your social security number.

Thank you, now please choose one of the following options. Press one to find out roughly what you owe us. Press two for a more detailed account of everything we are stiffing you for. Press three for the fine print you missed on page 298 of your contract. Press four for our listing of accountants and lawyers who can decipher that fine print on page 298 of your contract. Press five for a bill of charges for referring you to those accountants and lawyers who will mislead you as to exactly what that fine print on page 298 of your contract really means. Press six for our disclaimer that you signed a binding arbitration agreement, hidden somewhere on page 298 of your contract, which gives you no recourse concerning any misleading information in your contract due to the fact you don't speak our language, known as "legalese". Press seven for an explanation of binding arbitration. Press eight to register an appeal to the independent arbitrator, a judge whom WE picked and whose livelihood depends on our good graces. Press nine to give us your bank account number, which we are going to drain eventually. Press zero for our customer service representative in Tibet.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't understand your response. Please start over.

I'm sorry, but we still don't accept profanity as a response. Please start over.

I'm sorry, but the system is tired of you, and will disconnect now. Have a nice day!